


⌁ Eren X Levi One Shots ⌁

by CheshireCatLife



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alzheimer's Disease, Angels, Car Accidents, Character Death, Dancing, Death, Disabled Character, Dreams, Dreams and Nightmares, Ed Sheeran - Freeform, Future Fic, Giants, M/M, Modern Era, Nightmares, One Shot Collection, Post-Split, Science Fiction, Secret Organizations, Slow Dancing, Songfic, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Terminal Illnesses, Visions, ereri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-10-02 22:45:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10229381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheshireCatLife/pseuds/CheshireCatLife
Summary: ⌁1. Little Lady ~2. Technicolour Beat ~3. Voices ~4. Talk Me Down ~5. Imaginary Friends ~6. Lightning Strike ~7. Thanatophobia ~8. Meant To Be Yours ~9. Clouds ~⌁





	1. Little Lady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi didn't want to do this. This was never supposed to happen. But it did.  
> He shouldn't have expected anything else.

* * *

  **1.**

Little Lady

_Based off of the song Little Lady (The A Team) by Ed Sheeran feat. Mikhill Pane_

* * *

 

**Listen,**

**Little lady, this is just the worst way to spend your birthday**

**It's 30 degrees, Thursday**

The sun battered down on Levi's raven hair. His eyes shone with a diminished curiosity- the leftovers of a short-lasting childhood. It was the evening, already, and he was waiting for his next client. He wished he could have stayed at home but he had no choice. His Uncle had sent him into the dangerous streets of Trost alone to fend for himself.

**You work late, you was with a perv making dirty fake love in his Mercedes**

**Lady the word 'rape' sums up events that take place every night**

**You wanna get up but you know your legs will ache if you try**

Memories of the morning flashed before his eyes, the aching legs and the customer who had never left. He was on the streets, cold and hungry. He had limped home only for his Uncle to be gone and the fridge to be empty. He did not have the energy to buy anything nor did he have the money. Despite being the only one who worked in the household, he was the only one who didn't get the money.

**And you remember that your punter went crazy last night**

**You drag yourself to the mirror to check your face then you cry**

Finally, Levi reached his destination and he began to wait, staring into the shop window beside him- his reflection barely noticeable under the grime of the glass. Before he knew it, a tear was rolling down his cheek- hastily wiped away by his grubby hands. He was filthy and his previous cleaning obsession had come to none as he went for days without a warm shoulder, having to deal with the buckets of ice cold water his Uncle threw at him.

**Forget the visit to the clinic you were booked in for**

**You'll make a trip to the Whittington where they'll look at your jaw**

**They'll be inquisitive and ask about your business for sure**

**They'll know your fibbing if you tell them you got hit by a door**

Levi checked his phone. It alerted him of his supposed doctor's appointment. He would never turn up. He had booked it only for his Uncle to strike him again. That explained the yellowing mark on his cheek. 

**But young woman**

**The pimp sees you as nothing but a dumb hooker**

**Medical attention could be fatal**

**'Cause the cunt wouldn't ever let a doctor near someone that's getting dough for him**

**'Cause next you got poxy authorities sticking their noses in**

Levi pulled out his phone again, only a few more minutes. The screen was cracked and the price was low but it would do to get in touch with his few contacts. Not many wanted a man and business was running low yet his Uncle continued. He couldn't stop his Uncle, he was too scared. His Uncle could kill him, that much was clear, it had been done before.

**She's just under the upper hand**

**And goes mad for a couple grams**

Levi wished for a high again. It had been days since he could afford anything to take the pain away. He was in a cycle of sin. His life was inescapable so he dealt with it in the ways he could. The ways that would kill him. He wished for death. He wished for death by his own hands, though. He wouldn't let his Uncle had the upper hand- he wouldn't and he couldn't.

**And she don't wanna go outside, tonight.**

The sun set and the customer pulled up and rushed out. The alleyway next to them soon became a crime area. Not seen by the police but stained nonetheless. Levi barely made his escape this time. He had fled, running for his life- it happened on many nights.

**'Cause in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland and**

**Sell love to another man**

**It's too cold outside, for angels to fly.**

**For angels to fly.**

By the time he was near home, the sun had left the night sky a disdainful black. Levi brought his eyes to the stars and couldn't find the beauty in them. He saw masses of red-hot flames that could burn him alive at a touch. He didn't see the gentle light they emitted on the dim streets, he didn't see the meaning behind each and every one of them. He saw the evil and the cruel, whether it was human or an object.

**Little lady, your mind you've made up**

**Your injuries you can't hide with make-up**

**You need some medical advice, you make up**

In the time it took Levi to get home, his injuries were too much. His continued stream of beatings were turning him into a painting- a mix of different shades, mostly purple and black. The cheap makeup couldn't cover them anymore. They were scars. Bruises were supposed to fade, his didn't. With his heart skipping a beat, he headed towards the hospital, clutching his side.

**A little lie to say just**

**In case the doc opens his eyes and don't decide to play dumb**

**With any luck you'll see the same dude who stitched your top lip**

**Last year when your pimp just lost it**

**He wouldn't recognise you if you stared him in the face anyway**

The hospital came into a view a few minutes later and as Levi entered, he hoped he could find the same doctor as he always did. The one who didn't say a word- Dr Smith, that was it. Erwin Smith.

**'Cause all the heroin is making you age**

Levi took a glance in the window as he walked through the doors. His face was sunken, a cake never risen. His eyes were bloodshot- stained with red. It was the drugs, he knew that and despite the short-lasting forgetfulness they gave him, it was having its toll on his body. He had become a shadow of his former self- unrecognisable. 

**But your a heroine for taking the strain of being a prostitute and punching bag**

**The funds you have left go where your from using Moneygram**

**Mother had to get you out the motherland to study**

**That was all she struggled to have a single daughter with the upper hand**

**Little does she know your never coming back**

Levi scanned the room and stumbled to a chair, sitting down on a chair. A certain person in the corner of the room caught his eyes. 'Mum?' He whispered, not loud enough for anyone to hear. But, of course, it wasn't his mum. She was dead. She had been for a very long time.

**She put you in her brother's hand only for him to formulate another plan**

**He's the fucking cause of your appalling state this summer**

**Fancy that, you came to London to get pimped by your Uncle, damn.**

Trost Hospital became a blur around him as he made no attempts to check in and waited for Dr Smith to take a break and notice him, dragging him to an empty room and giving him an examination. It was all the same for the sake of silence.

**She's just under the upper hand**

**Goes mad for a couple grams**

**And she** don't **wanna go outside, tonight.**

Levi peered out into the blackened sky, losing his own mind in the shape of it all. Despite its lack of beauty for him, he couldn't help but look at the stars and wish to be up there- to be with his mum. His life had reached bedrock and there was no lower now. If he died, he would die miserable but if he lived, he would live miserably.

**'Cause in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland and**

**Sell love to another man**

**It's too cold outside, for angels to fly**

**Now an angel will die, covered in white**

**With closed eyes and hoping for a better life**

**This time, we'll fade out tonight,**

**Straight down the line.**

The doctor finally appeared and, as I had said, Levi was dragged off to an empty room and his injuries were treated. Not well but as much as the doctor could do to conceal his secret. Erwin knew it all yet he never told a soul. Levi sometimes wished he did but he had made Erwin promise. Erwin did not turn back on promises.

**Little lady, you're trembling with fear**

Levi had been let out a few minutes later by a jolly-looking nurse who asked too many questions for her own good- Hanji. Levi sent her a disapproving look but his short stature didn't make much of an impression on her.

**Your skinny frame kinda resembles a deer**

Levi never thought that he would end up in the police station that night. He never thought this would have happened. He was stood in front of the headlights that were ready to hit and run. He couldn't stand it, he wanted to go. A tear was already rolling down his cheek. There was nothing he could do now. That light that had shone dimly in his eyes had diminished leaving a blank canvas, an empty canvas. Levi had nothing anymore.

**You're sitting facing the detective, oh dear**

The detective sat across from him, his beautiful eyes staring Levi down. The man wasn't tall but he was still taller than Levi; his brown hair flopped across his face in a tangled mess. Levi didn't care, though, the man was beautiful. More than anyone he had ever seen in his life.

**The meddling nurse couldn't just leave it,**

This was Hanji's fault, she had come per Erwin's request. He had promised never to tell a soul but Hanji already knew so that only caused him to ask her to do it for him- he never had to break the promise. Unfortunately, he didn't know the contract he was signing- the one with death sentence underlined at the top.

**She's only gone and made it much worse calling police in**

**She'll never know the gravity of the damage she's caused**

Levi never saw Hanji after that day nor did he see Erwin. They didn't know what happened. Maybe Levi had just moved. Maybe the boy's Uncle finally freed him out of guilt. He didn't.

**You're causing scandal going mad in the ward now**

**The cop is trying to calm you, telling you he won't let no one harm you**

Levi shook as the man with the ocean eyes sat across from him. His name was Eren Jaeger, that was what he said. It didn't stop Levi's shaking. The man's beauty didn't distract him from the fear looming over him. Levi had found something beautiful for the first time in years, he hadn't had the time to even think about it.

**The same question he keeps trying to ask you, who you working for?**

Uncle Kenny, he wanted to answer as the man sent soothing words his way. He never did say a word. He was known as the silent case. Although, the case was closed less than a week later. They knew what had happened but they had no proof. No prosecutions could follow through.

**He's talking to like your worth more than a dirty whore**

Eren sent him a heart-warming smile, one which he wished to return. He couldn't. He looked at Levi liked he was something more. He wasn't. Eren could see so much in Levi just by a glance, this was a man he wanted to make a friend of. It was impossible.

**You're having a conversation you could be murdered for**

Levi knew where this would put him but he continued to listen to Eren speak, his smooth voice comforting. It felt like a drug in itself. It was just them in the room now, he could allow himself to get lost in his voice. Eren, no matter how many questions he asked, didn't expect answers.

**You're learning more about exactly why you need to help bring him or her to court**

**It's kicking knowledge you ain't ever heard before**

**Just before he leaves, he reassures you that he knows that it's hard**

'I know it's hard.' He smiled that painful smile and Levi felt the tears streak down his cheeks, creating a shine under the harsh lighting. Eren fished through his pockets, pulling out a small piece of paper. After finding a pen, he began to write: 'Eren Jaeger, Trost Police Departement.' Then, he put his number in bold.

**He underlines a mobile number you can phone on his card**

He underlined the number and pressed his fingers against the card, sliding it across the table carefully, watching to see if Levi would take it. He did. He would never deny Eren anything but answers. He would never give Eren answers.

**Begs you to use it**

'Use it.' His speech was like an order. It wasn't forceful nor was it harsh- but it was an order nonetheless. Levi nodded uselessly. Useless. The perfect way to describe him.

**He's useless if your gonna be stupid**

**'Cause an answer hasn't come from your bruised lips, your on your own**

**You've gotta go and give your pimp what you owe**

**You reach your door and then it dawns that you've been followed home**

Levi had left the police department quickly, the boy- Eren -still on his mind. The boy was beautiful and he knew he would forget his face. Then, turning his head around, he spotted a shadow in the alleyway. He was being followed. He gulped and pushed his key into the lock, the door to his 'home' just in front of him.

**Before you turn around you feel a cold blade on your throat**

Before he could twist it, there was a knife on his throat, blood trickling down to his feet.

**And then a voice says 'where you been, bitch? I wanna know.'**

'Where you been, bitch? I want to know.' His Uncle Kenny spat. His face was flushed and his cheek was bruised. Drunk and beaten, not far from his own nephew then. 

**No prizes for guessing who it is, resistance would be foolishness**

**You open the front door, he boots you in**

The key turned in the lock, turned by trembling hands. The knife left Levi's throat as a boot collided with his back, pushing him to the stained floor of the house. His face caught the edge of a broken glass bottle, the shard digging into his cheek.

**There's something new in him, he's silent now that fills you with terror**

This was different to the other times, Levi knew that. Levi knew that Kenny knew. They both knew that the other knew. Neither of them were stupid, though neither of them were particularly bright either. They each were as dim as the other, though in ways of their own.

**Get your alibi straight, you could be killed for an error**

Levi watched his blood pool on the floor, joining the red stains from yesterday's beating. He scavenged his mind for an alibi. He had none. He would be killed for this error.

**He towers over you, the 6-inch knife catches the sunlight**

Kenny towered over him, the blade caught in between his fingers. The starlight shone through the window and as the light reflected off the blade, Levi finally saw the beauty of it. It was too late now.

**At this point, your life flashes before your eyes**

Levi had heard that before you die, you're supposed to see your life. He didn't. He saw one thing and one thing only. He saw those ocean eyes he had seen the hour before. He saw the eyes that had been ingrained in his mind since he first set eyes on them. His life had changed just from a stranger passing by. A stranger that had cost him his life.

**Your handbags dropped and all the contents are all over the floor**

**Despite the mess, there's only one thing that's caught his eye**

As Levi had fallen, the contents of his pockets had fallen to the floor- his card. That was what had caught his Uncle's eye- the card. The car with a policeman's number on it.

**And in the moment of rage, he brutally murders his niece**

Levi was dead. He had met his soulmate an hour before but it was too late to chase him, he was dead. 

**And dumps her body in the boot of his Merc in the street.**

His body lay in a car, never buried. He had been flung into a tip, his body never found. His Uncle was lucky, the body should have been found.

**Little lady left this earth in the worst way**

**All because she got a card on her 13th birthday**

The day he died, Christmas Day- his birthday. His thirteenth birthday.

**And we're all under the upper hand**

**And go mad for a couple grams**

**And we don't wanna go outside, tonight.**

**'Cause in the pipe she'll fly to the motherland and**

**Sell love to another man.**

**It's too cold outside, for angels to fly, for angels to fly, and fly, fly,**

**For angels to fly, to fly, to fly, angels to die**

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Technicolour Beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams are supposed to be beautiful. Dreams are supposed to be surreal, fake.  
> Levi's dreams were entirely too real.

* * *

  **2** **.**

Technicolour Beat

_Based off of the song Technicolour Beat by Oh Wonder_

* * *

 

 **Lay down your slow** **  
Come settle down, settle down**

The light was dim as Levi entered the almost abandoned club. They were closing for the last time, the next day they would never open again. 

Levi owned the club and to say he was anything less than devastated was an understatement. This was his pride and his joy. This was his nightclub. Yet, money got in the way, again and he had been forced to close down. Now, with the few people left leaving, it was time for to leave too.

But, in the corner of the room, where a faint glow still flickered, a boy stood. He was the last one, even the staff had left by now. He smiled, his bright eyes catching the light. Levi sucked in a breath and approached the boy, a smile not yet gracing his lips.

**Let loose your glow  
Come settle down, settle down**

A song still played in the background. It was peaceful, calm, serene. Levi began to sway in the middle of the dance floor, locking eyes with the boy in the corner. He had no shame anymore. He wanted to experience the calm of a night's end at his club one last time. Even if there was someone watching.

**And I feel life for the very first time  
Love in my arms and the sun in my eyes**

He raised his arms above his head and felt the music, felt it pounding through his veins. The bass was heavy, lulling him to an almost sleep-like state. The boy, who was watching from the corner, approached him. His smile diminished by the grim atmosphere but it was nonetheless beautiful- almost as much as his eyes.

The boy, with hope in his eyes, wrapped his arms around Levi's waist. Levi didn't care as he continued to sway, wrapping his arms around the taller boy's neck. 'My name's Eren.' The boy whispered, quiet enough not to break the peace. 

'Levi.' It was so hushed that Eren almost didn't hear it. But, that wasn't possible when his attention was on the man in front of him and that man alone. The man was beautiful- his raven hair glistening under the flickering lights.

**I feel safe in the 5am light  
You carry my fears as the heavens set fire**

Levi continued to dance, his eyes matching Eren's the entire time. He felt safe. They had just met yet they were already one. That was what intoxication did to a man. Levi felt a burden was lifted off his shoulders. He felt free if only just for a few moments. This was what he had craved his whole life. This is what dancing was supposed to give him. 

It had never given him _this._

**Jump into the heat  
Spinning on our feet  
In a technicolour beat  
You and me  
Caught up in a dream  
In a technicolour beat**

Levi was stuck in a fantasy, a dream. The alcohol had his mind blurred, his vision not doing much better. He was trusting a stranger with his darkest secrets in just a few sways of his hips. They knew each other's names, no more and no less. They were judging by appearance and what they saw only entranced both of them more.

Levi leaned up, burying his head in the crook of Eren's neck, sighing peacefully, still swaying to the hallucinogenic music.

**Beat  
Beat  
Beat**

The beat of his heart. That was what that noise was. That energy that kept him moving: the beat of his heart, the beat of Eren's heart. It was like the last piece that completed the music. It made the scene all the more real, too. This wasn't a fantasy, this was real. He could _hear_ that it was real.

**Warm unalone**

Levi was no longer in this world. He felt as if he was gaining the family he never had, the friends he had never made. The lover he had never wanted. He felt...warm. He felt _complete_.

**Come settle down, settle down  
Swing me your bones  
Come settle down, settle down**

The song continued, the eternity dragging out for even longer. They were stuck in a single moment yet the music kept on playing. It just kept going. Like their lives. It was early morning by now, the sun may have even risen but they kept dancing. Kept dancing to that same song.

**And I feel life for the very first time  
Love in my arms and the sun in my eyes**

Levi had never felt this before. _This_ was love at first sight. This drunken experience was love, safety, fondness, caring. It was everything. He held love in his arms. He had finally grasped it and he never wanted to let it go. Yet, something told him, that by midday, it would be lost forever.

**I feel safe in the 5am light  
You carry my fears as the heavens set fire**

Everything was starting to fade. Levi felt as if he couldn't feel anymore. This was what love felt like. It felt like...nothing. Levi felt nothing. He was lost. He was lost in Eren's eyes. The eyes that he would soon not see again.

**Jump into the heat**

They continued to dance, their feet burning. That song kept repeating. They kept on going- as if in a trance. They were both lost souls, connecting to become one for just one night.

**Spinning on our feet**

Levi began to move, finally, from their spot. Sending them both in a circle. Circling each other like predators to their prey. Maybe they were. Maybe they just wanted to stay like this. Maybe they only had a few options to resort to if that were to come true.

**In a technicolour beat**

The lights felt as if they were blasted on. Maybe they were, they were too caught up to tell. Hues of pink and blue danced around them, joining them in their eternal movement. They didn't want to stop. They weren't going to stop.

**You and me  
Caught up in a dream**

Caught up in a dream. Was this all just a dream? Levi couldn't tell anymore.

 **In a technicolour beat**  
  
**Beat**

Another beat of his heart going by. 

**Give me one drop**

He shed a tear, Levi knew he was never going to see this man again.

**I can feel you**

His hand rested over Eren's heart. He never moved it.

**Make me lose control**

He had lost control. After all the power he held, he lost it. Wait? This didn't fit anymore...Levi wasn't in this world. The lights were fading...everything was fading.

**We be walking**

He was walking away now, Levi was following him. His hand was still placed on Eren's heart. He was leading him somewhere. Or, maybe he wasn't leading- he was leaving.

**On the water  
We're moving in a technicolour beat  
Moving in a technicolour beat**

They continued to dance. Even as they walked, their legs moved like flowers in the sun- delicately, gently, slowly.

**Jump into the heat  
(Falling off the ceiling)  
Spinning on our feet  
We're moving in a technicolour beat  
You and me  
(Found another feeling)  
Caught up in a dream  
We're moving in a technicolour beat**

It was all moving too fast. He was leaving too soon. His hand was being pried from Eren's chest. No, he wouldn't let go. Not again.

 **Jump into the heat  
Spinning on our feet  
In a technicolour beat  
You and me  
Caught up in a dream  
In a technicolour beat**  
**  
Beat  
Beat**

Then the beats stopped. Eren's heart had...stopped.

-

He woke up, his hand resting over his heart. 'Eren, please come back.' A stray tear rolled down his cheek. Pitiful.

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Voices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The line between the past and the present is thinner when you've lived in both.

* * *

  **3.**

Voices

* * *

 

'What would you do if I said I wanted to kill myself?'

'I'd tell you that you shouldn't.'

'What if I did?'

'Then I'd try to save you with all that I had.'

They had that same conversation every day. Eren had been suicidal since he was 22 and even after meeting Levi, the voices didn't fade. They were still in his head, day in and day out. Some people told him he had a condition- one that wasn't as easy to label as depression. Eren refused to go to the doctor.

Those voices weren't himself, they were his ghosts haunting him. He didn't know what it was yet it always lingered over his shoulder. Sometimes they would even take human form. Sometimes Eren would see them. Eren could never tell what they were.

'What would you tell me if I said I wanted to kill myself?' Eren whispered, his voice shaking as they sat, entangled, on their large bed in their shared apartment.

'I'd tell you that you shouldn't.' Levi sighed, the words becoming a mantra more than truth.

'What if I did?' Eren sounded curious. Levi couldn't hear the usual sadness. It was as if he had lost all fear. Those repetitive words were no longer safe words but the warning of trouble. They were foreboding, deadly. Levi knew it was coming.

'You won't.' He shook his head, in denial of what was to come.

'But, what if I did?' Eren looked at Levi with tears in his eyes.

'Then I'd leave too!' Levi shouted, filling the silence of the room with an echoing scream.

'Why?' Eren whispered, the first tear spilling.

'Don't you understand that I love you!' Levi whispered, his voice cracking under the strain of his words. 'Don't you understand that you're all that I have.' He continued. 'Don't you realise that it's not me that doesn't love you but you who doesn't love me. Why would you leave if you loved me? If you loved me you would never ask these bloody questions!' Levi had lost his temper. It wasn't the first time, second maybe. It was a rare occasion. Levi was temperate, controlled and mysterious- that was what made Levi, Levi.

'I want to leave because I love you.' Eren choked out, looking into Levi's eyes, finding only a dull grey. No life was left. Eren had drained him of that already diminished light in his eyes. Those eyes had turned from blue to grey. His skin had turned from tanned to pale. His hair had turned from black to grey.

Levi was withering and it was all Eren's fault. What Eren couldn't see was that Levi had always been like that. He had been born a pessimist.

'How does that make any sense, Eren? How can you actually believe that leaving me isn't cruel! I love you, do you not see that?' Levi tried to shout but he already lost all energy to do so. He was withering but it was all his fault, not Eren's. Or, maybe it was. Eren was dependent but was Levi not as well?

'No! I don't.' He whispered, another tear slipping from his eyes. 'You look at me with ice in your eyes. You look at me like I'm nothing. You look at me just like you look at everyone else!' Eren was shaking but Levi no longer had the energy to argue. He simply hummed, his eyes closing.

'Don't you dare fall asleep on me, you b*stard.' _Let him sleep, it will give you time to leave._ That man spoke, he was behind Eren. He was on the bed with him, watching as Levi fell limp on the bed.

How Levi had fallen asleep so quickly, probably the lack of food. He hadn't eaten in at least a few days, it was starting to take its toll. _You're burdening him. It's time to leave. It's time to join me._ Eren turned to the man, the ghost, who was looking at him.

It was the same man as it had been so many times before. It was the man with the raven hair, the ice blue eyes, the smile. It was the man who reminded him so much of Levi before this all. The Levi that had life. This was a Levi who had life. This was the man he wanted to love.

'What if leaving him only makes it worse.' Eren's voice trembled, Levi's logic hitting him as if a sudden crash of reality. _It won't. Joining me is your only option, Eren. You want to go back to then, don't you? You miss then, don't you? You want to return to the place of your dreams. The place of giants. All you have to do is die in this world and you'll wake up again. This is a dream, Eren. Wake up._

'I don't think I can if that involves dying. I don't think I'm brave enough to do it.' Eren looked to the real Levi, pushing his hair back from his face, admiring his beauty. 'I don't want to leave him.' He whispered.

 _You won't be. You'll be joining him. I am him. Don't you see that?'_ Eren shook his head. 'You're not him. You just look like him, that's all.' He reassured himself, his voice trembling with uncertainty. _It's time to leave, Eren. Please, I'm begging you. I want you back._ Eren looked back to the ghost. He looked so alone, so lost, so forgotten. Eren looked him in the eye just as he did with the man asleep next to him and solved the puzzle. 'I'll do it.' The man smiled a smile so bright that Eren felt blinded. It was as if the man really was an angel.

Eren, dazed, stood up, walking aimlessly towards the kitchen. A knife would do. Eren scoured through the drawers and found it, watching it reflect the moonlight shining through the grimy windows. 'Can you do it?' Eren asked the man standing before him.

 _I'm not real, Eren. Of course, I can't do it._ The man spoke as if it all made sense. Maybe it did, the answers were just not there yet. Eren nodded and brought the blade to his breastbone. 'Are you sure this will wake me up?' Eren asked, teary-eyed, to the man standing before him. _I'm sure._ And with that, Eren sliced and fell asleep. Fell asleep never to wake up. In that world at least.

He would find himself the land of giants again. He would find himself returned. The ghost had told the truth. It really was all a dream. Or was it the world he was in now that was the dream?

 

 

 


	4. Talk Me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When talking to a gravestone, it is far too easy to pretend that they are talking back. Except maybe they are.

* * *

  **4.**

Talk Me Down

_Based off of the song Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan_

* * *

 

'Eren.' Levi sighed, memories flooding his brain as if it was an attack- a tsunami. It pounded at him like a battering ram until he felt as empty as he looked. His eyes were swollen and his cheeks sunken. Tears stained his cheeks like paint, splattered inconsistently across his face and hands.

_I wanna sleep next to you_

Levi hadn't talked to Eren in weeks now. Not by Eren's fault, of course, it was Levi who hadn't visited. It had been even longer since they had talked face to face, not that could ever happen, anyway. Eren was simply stone and mud now, communicating wasn't as easy as it had once been.

_But that's all I wanna do right now_

Levi wanted to visit, wanted to lay a bed of flowers on his mound but he couldn't find it within himself to talk to the boy again. He had died too young and suddenly, Levi felt all too old. How was is it fair that Levi had reached the age of thirty and Eren hadn't made it to twenty? How was it fair that Levi had lost the shit-eating grin and those bright cerulean eyes? How was it that everything he cared about had gone?

_And I wanna come home to you_

'Eren, come home.' Levi whispered, his voice catching in the air and drifting away before anything more could be done. But, Eren would never come home. Dead was dead, that was a simple truth.

The question was, why couldn't Levi die instead?

_But home is just a room full of my safest sounds_

He snuck under the heavy blankets, wrapping himself in his own personal cocoon- hiding from the world outside. He felt like a child- a silly, little child. Maybe he was now, grief could have any number of effects on a man. Maybe childishness was the one that had been forced upon him. He wallowed in the fact, it seemed so disgusting yet so comforting. He wanted to be a child again. He wanted to have his mother by his side to comfort him. He wanted the privileges of having no fear of death, of himself or of others.

_Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my 3AM shadow_

Throwing the blankets off him, the thoughts dissipating, cold air hitting his legs like ice. He stumbled around not finding a light, therefore resorting to his phone torch, letting an eerie glow flood the room. The bathroom was only a few paces away, he could make it without falling. Yet, at 3am, he felt he couldn't trust himself to stay awake nor could he trust himself to even walk. All he could see was his shadow, looming in front of him, an enlarged version of himself. That was what he dreamed to be. A giant. He wanted to look down on those petty humans and laugh at their sadness. Laugh at another version of himself.

_I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone_

He gave up after two steps and fell back onto the comfort of the bed, letting his eyes flutter shut, the moonlight still shining upon his eyelids creating a white, ethereal glow in his vision. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to forget, he wanted to dream. He wanted to dream and think of better things. Better visions, better futures- a future with Eren. An alternate universe in which they stayed together forever, married with children and a smile on their face.

That wasn't going to happen to him now, was it?

_I wanna sleep next to you_

'I miss you, Eren.' He mumbled once again as if talking to the boy like he was just weeks ago as they lay across from each other on the bed, smiling and chatting away until the sun came up; Levi grimacing at Eren's bad attempts at flirting whilst Eren put up with Levi's constant complaining. They were a good match when it came to it. They had chemistry...they had love.

_But that's all I wanna do right now_

Levi let tears fall. It was too late, too private, to hold back. He didn't care even if someone did walk in yet he was glad for the privacy. He laughed through the tears, reliving the fond memories of the boy. He loved him, he really did...and he hadn't even said it.

He hadn't even said 'I love you'.

_So come over now and talk me down_

Levi grimaced as a pain his chest. It constricted tightly and he clutched at his throbbing heart. Was this what it felt like to have your heartbroken?

_I wanna hold hands with you_

Levi just wanted the simple things back. He wanted to hold hands, he wanted to kiss him on the cheek, he wanted to smile at his jokes but never laugh- just as Eren knew he would react. Levi wanted to throw insults at him again and watch Eren deflect them as if they had never been thrown in the first place. Levi wanted to smile again.

He simply wanted to smile.

_But that's all I wanna do right now_

He just wanted to smile.

_And I wanna get close to you_

He just wanted to see Eren smile.

_Cause your hands and lips still know their way around_

Levi wanted Eren back. He wanted Eren to trace his skin as he had done so many times before. He wanted people to know he was in love and that person was in love with him. He wanted to walk down the street hand in hand and laugh at the homophobic comments that were slung at them as they passed. They never cared, they knew they were happier than them anyway.

_And I know I like to draw that line, when it starts to get too real_

Levi had wished he had just said 'I love you'. It was so simple but he had drawn the line when it had gotten too real. It was always too much. Levi was too private, to concealed. And now, his only dream was to say 'I love you' one last time. Maybe he could.

_But the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal_

But...he couldn't. He needed to move on and the more he went, the more steps back he took. This was helping him, right? This wasn't for nothing, right? He would live on happy, living sufficiently on his friends...the friends that he had never like.

He would live miserably, wouldn't he?

_I wanna sleep next to you_

Eren would have been home now normally. Despite them having separate apartments, Eren would always knock on his door at midnight and ask to stay. It had become a ritual for them. They both loved it.

Levi loved the way Eren pulled the covers over to his side. Levi loved the way Eren snored so quietly, so gently but still managed to make Levi laugh with the funny sounds. Levi loved the way Eren could make him laugh. Never intentionally, no Levi was to calm for that but those little details had always set him off, set his lungs on fire as he laughed. Eren loved it just as much as Levi did.

That feeling was magical.

He didn't have it anymore.

_But that's all I wanna do right now_

Levi wanted his old life back.

But no one can simply turn back time, that was the first impossibility mankind had faced.

_So come over now and talk me down_

'Eren, come back, even if you want to swap places, replace a life for a life, I'm willing. I'm crazy, aren't I? Talking at nothing as if you're right there. But, I believe, somewhere in me, that you are here. I may not be able to see you and you may not be able to speak but I know you're there. So, before it's too late. I love you, I love you so much.'

_So if you don't mind, I'll walk that line_

Blink once.

Blink twice.

Blink thrice.

_Stuck on the bridge between us_

'LEVI!' He screamed, pounding on the barrier- the wall that separated the dead from the living.

_Gray areas and expectations_

'I love you too!' He screamed, the tears spilling down his cheeks. He wanted Levi to hear it. He knew Levi would meet him soon but he couldn't wait. He wanted Levi to hear this...he wanted him to hear this now.

_But I'm not the one if we're honest, yeah_

_But I wanna sleep next to you_

_And I wanna come home to you_

_I wanna hold hands with you_

_I wanna be close to you_

_But I wanna sleep next to you_

_And that's all I wanna do right now_

_And I wanna come home to you_

_But home is just a room full of my safest sounds_

_So come over now and talk me down._

 

 

 


	5. Imaginary Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Schizophrenia is a burden that no person should have to carry alone.

* * *

**5.**

Imaginary Friends

_Based off of the play Adult Child/Dead Child_

* * *

 

I was told as a child that imaginary friends weren't supposed to last past the age of five so, when I had reached seven, my parents classed me as immature. Sure, it wasn't all that different from before. I was cute, they used to say, with my bushy brown hair and my glowing sea-like eyes but there was always something wrong.

My parents always knew what I felt, they were adults after all. My problem, they never did anything to help that. I would cry- they would sigh. I would punch- they would lock me in the cupboard for the night (the cleaning cupboard on the second floor of my spotless house). I would smile- they would ignore me. I would beg- they would scowl.

Never once were they abusive parents. No, it never went that far. They just never cared. Never once did I see them take care in what I did. Except, maybe, on the rare occasion when my achievements reflected well on them.

So, when I told them that the money had not been stolen from me but from the boy sitting next to me, they had simply sent me back to that cupboard, that oh so very claustrophobic cupboard. I couldn't breathe and the boy next to me didn't help and for once, his incessant talking had silenced. It was almost as if he was scared alongside me.

That's why I always had him around. He was the one person who knew what I was feeling and did something about it. Not always something good, far from it but he didn't laugh at my emotions nor did he punish me for them. So, in another round of claustrophobia in the cupboard, (being told to think over my actions after _he_ had thrown another vase on the floor) I decided to name him. Levi. Named after the kind lady living opposite my family's apartment's dog. Levi, I liked it. He liked it too. He smiled when I called him that. Much more fitting than boy.

As time went on, though, and I was sent more and more often to the cupboard on the second floor, I began to feel my lifeline fading. _Levi_ was fading. That one person who understood my emotions (to which I couldn't express at such a young age) was beginning to use them against me. He was my ruin. He was the reason I was locked in that cupboard.

Another picture frame smashed. 'It was Levi!' I shouted, pointing to the boy (with an ever so present smile on his face) in the corner. 'It was him!' I continued, pointing and pointing and pointing until my arm could no longer take the strain.

My mother simply scowled and took my arm before doing the inevitable. I was in the cupboard again. They should have known by now that it only made things worse. It gave me time to pent up my anger, only to be released later on. No, wait, it didn't, it gave _Levi_ time to do that. He brooded, his thin brows furrowing in thought as he made up his new, mischevious project.

He was my best friend and he was my nightmare. And, no one else could see him. I don't think I understood at that age _why_ no one could see him, not that I really can now.

A year later, nothing had changed. Apart from, now, I was eight and in another class at school. That didn't make much difference, anyway, the teachers enjoyed to hate me- almost as much as I hated them. I admit, now, that I was not an easy child. I never said I was. So, when I began talking to a boy they couldn't see, I understood their confusion. What I didn't understand were their punishments.

Punishments are the one thing in life I still don't understand. When I did something wrong, the cupboard was where I would go but, as I grew older and older, the punishments began to change. My teachers began to send me to detention. My few friends began to argue back. My parents had finally realised that the cupboard clearly wasn't working. So, they changed their punishments and the moment I earned it, I had wished that I had never wanted them to stop locking me in the cupboard in the first place.

My parents liked the phrase 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth'. Soon enough, it felt, that had become their motto. I was fifteen when they had given me my first sketchpad: 'get it all out on there' they said. Although, their words rather lacked lustre. Nonetheless, I loved it. I drew and drew and drew until my hand began to ache. I got all my emotions on the page- just as they said.

So, when Levi ripped up one of my mother's favourite tops, she said that _I_ earned my punishment. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. So, repeating Levi's actions, she took my sketchpad and ripped it to shreds. 'It was him, it was him!' I cried, the tears streaming down my cheeks in waves. 'It was him! I wasn't me!' I cried again but my mother didn't listen. She never listened.

And, on it went. My father's book fell apart, my favourite did too. My mother's favourite mug was smashed, mine was smashed too. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But, why was I getting punished? Why was I getting punished for everything _Levi_ did? Why couldn't they see him for God's sake?!

The cupboard soon became a distant memory and I found myself with less and less possessions. Yet, when I finally broke, there was still surprise on their faces. Why didn't you see it?! Why didn't you see the young boy with stern grey eyes doing all this?! Why did you think it was me?!

The day I broke, I was sixteen. I had been in my art class when I had snapped my paintbrush in half and sent the splintered half in the direction of my teacher's (the sly man with a wrinkled face and a knack for punishing students) eye. He was less than impressed. I was sent to the headmaster's office without hesitation. This time, I couldn't shout that it was the man gazing at me adoringly, (he always liked it when I messed up- did something I wasn't supposed to do) his raven hair covering his usually steely gaze. All I could see was his sinister smile as the headmaster told me what he was going to do: call me parents and send my home for the week.

That was exactly what happened and I knew from then, they would hold it against me forever. Everyone breaks, some more harshly than others but it seemed that the boy with the bright blue eyes and the fluffy brown hair would be the one to break the worst. _I_ would be the one to break the worst.

After that incident, I was pulled out of school. My parents were terrified of my future but it seemed they were even more terrified of me. I suddenly, without warning, was alone. I only had one person left: Levi. My destroyer and my only friend.

I was sixteen and Levi still hadn't left. It was a surprise to me, my family and it even seemed that Levi too was surprised that he hadn't gone. Not that he wanted to go- he had spoken clearly about the topic and he, without a doubt, wanted to stay by my side. To do what? I was unsure. I was scared, even. But without him, I was alone.

I didn't think I could deal with being alone. Not again. Not ever. Everyone had abandoned me and I wasn't about to let Levi did the same.

A year later, just after my seventeenth birthday, they finally sent me to a professional psychiatrist. They were nice enough, Hanji was their name. A bit crazy in my opinion- seemingly contradictory as a supposedly insane person treated other rather insane people.

After a week of talking, her conclusion was final. I was going to the mental ward in my local hospital. My parents were nervous, more so than I but I accepted my fate as I walked through those doors- a smile shining on my face.

That was probably what made me most insane of all. Throughout everything, that smile was still on my face. A joyous one too. No darkness, no hint of being fake. A true smile...as if I had lived a much better life.

Then, the medication started. I was terrified. Because, as the days went on, Levi appeared less and less. When he did, he looked afraid- more so than I had ever seen him. He was stoic, even grumpy sometimes. He represented all things bad. He was all seven sins. I didn't think fear was one of them.

The days ticked by and soon he became a memory. I missed him deeply, enough to give me panic attacks and tantrums but none of that mattered. According to the doctors, if I continued to take those damn pills, I would stay healthy.

I didn't think I was healthy. I was broken, more so that I was before. I couldn't be more dead inside. I had never felt more empty. Levi was gone and I wasn't anything without him. He was another half of me- maybe the bad half but no doubt a part of me. Even when the darkness is ripped out of you, you aren't just left with the light- you are left with space where the darkness was meant to be, one even light can't fill.

Now eighteen, and still on the medication, I was sent to a new home. Each apartment space was occupied by someone just like me. Someone deemed wrong by society, medicated and sent to this rather nice facility. I almost felt glad that I had been given this opportunity.

The people were friendly, kind and my friends. They began to fill the gap that Levi left. One I couldn't fill myself. One that no one else had ever bothered to fill. There was one person in particular. She ran the place, wasn't like the rest of us but she was better to speak to than anyone else. Petra was her name. She sat at her desk in the lobby and was glad to talk to anyone of us. Especially me.

We talked for hours. About what I had been through, about what I was doing now. I told her my entire story. Never once did she interrupt, she just listened. She was the first to listen and actually...actually do something. Levi listened but never cared. My parents didn't even listen in the first place, they made their judgement before I could even speak. Sure, I was a hard kid to manage. I had an illness as the doctors kept on saying. It wasn't their fault...I still blame them anyway.

Soon enough, another year passed and Petra had heard my story and had made sure to tell me what was normal and what was not- confirm the things I wasn't sure of. But, with that, this new found happiness, it was time for me to move out. Or ordered out.

My parents were the one to buy me the apartment (though it was more likely they didn't want me home than wanting to buy me one). It was lovely, spacious. Too spacious. I found, as weeks ticked by, a was more and more isolated. I felt suffocated by the silence. The darkness loomed over me. That empty space in my heart that had been filled with my friends (even Jean despite his annoying nature) was now beginning to feel hollow again. I was alone...too alone.

Hanji was the one to bring up that I should get a dog at my weekly check up. I had agreed immediately. I loved dogs. Levi hated dogs- he couldn't stand the mess they made. I wanted to a dog. I wanted to punish Levi for what he did to me. He was the one who got me into trouble. He was the one who made my parents hate me. He was also the one who got me to where I am today.

I should be indebted to Levi.

I wasn't, though.

Levi was gone.

That's why, when I got the dog, I called it wings. The wings that gave me freedom.

 

 

 


	6. Lightning Strike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's something that stops him from coming, something that matches the weather. But when Eren appears, the sun is in the sky. And maybe that has some symbolism to it.

* * *

**6.**

Lightning Strike

_Based off of the song The Lightning Strike by Snow Patrol_

* * *

 

I watched as the rain battered on the window, hard and unrelenting. The pane shook violently, only held together by my flat palm pressed up against it, hoping to feel sensation from the cool glass. I didn’t. It seemed I failed to feel anything anymore. My life had lost meaning long ago. Now, I was just another man in another home with another pointless life. That alone was enough to make me give up. I wanted to be known, I wanted to do something. I had failed in both.

I wanted the storm to end, the unrelenting battering of the rain each and every day. He had been counting, that was all he had to do with his time anyway. It had been 6 months, 1 week and 1 day since it had last been sunny- well, even that day was cloudy it simply hadn’t rained. The world had gone mad. ‘Global warming!’ They shouted. ‘Human pollution!’ Another said. I believed it to be something else- a punishment for the wrongdoings of humanity. I wasn’t religious, nothing of the sort, I simply believed that if one did enough wrong, they would be given back an equal amount. Karma, they called it.

That single day when it hadn’t rained had been perfect. It was as if the world had flooded from their homes, smiles full of glee and eyes as wide as the sun they saw in the sky. I hadn’t left. The clouds were enough for me to remain in my usual, sombre state. I wasn’t one for outdoors anyway and it seemed, even in the three years I had locked myself in my home- ever since I had moved from my old home at eighteen- I hadn’t gained an ounce of cabin fever. I felt fine. Well, as fine as I ever was.

Until that boy came up to my door. I hadn’t seen him in three years. Three. Damn. Years. And, on that one day, he decided it was time for a visit. The cerulean eyes were the first give away it was him, peeking through the window to see if I was in- only after I hadn’t bothered to answer the door. Then the flop of the hair so familiar to me as he shook his head to push it from his face as he graced me with his presence- after I finally answered the door due to his incessant knocking.

That day had been the best day of my life. In that day, I had felt hope again. I didn’t regret a moment of that day. As soon as I let that boy in that door after three long years, I knew I had made the right decision. ‘Levi, I like you.’ My eyes had gone wide, I even let out a smug laugh. A laugh that was supposed to deter him only made him smile. ‘I like your laugh. It’s nice.’ He smiled wider. ‘Now, back to the point. Levi, I like you and...I...I want to go out with you.’ Three years. After three goddamn years, _now_ he was telling me this?

After an hour though, I had learnt that I had made the right decision the moment the words ‘yes’ had come from my mouth. First, it was the kiss, then it was the gentle touch of his hand to my cheek and then it was his nimble fingers through my hair. I would never forget a moment of that day.

Now, I found myself wishing for the storm to be over again. For that boy to come knocking on my door. Because, it seemed, as soon as the rain had returned- he had returned home too. It was as if he couldn’t let the water touch him but with the boy he was, I doubted that. So what had kept him at bay?

I soon found myself thinking that maybe the storm wasn’t a punishment to the world, but to me.

I just wanted to see him one more time. A goodbye. It wasn’t as if I had had one the time before. He had simply left, his hair almost a golden halo in the moonlight, with a simple wave. A wave that I had presumed meant, see you again soon.

It seemed I was wrong. He hadn’t returned. Not in six months and I was afraid. Before, I had to wait three years- I didn’t want to do that again. Six months was agonising. A year would shred me apart. Any longer might lead to my death.

I hadn’t the hope to keep on living. Eren was my hope. Eren was gone. Eren had been gone for six months. Eren wasn’t returning.

All I needed was a minute. One single minute to say goodbye or to have an explanation- one I was too preoccupied to ask for the last time. Why didn’t he visit in the rain? Why did he let me rot alone? Why did he kiss me if he knew he wasn’t going to return?

Maybe that was it. He knew he wasn’t going to return. He kissed me because he knew he would never see me again. I couldn’t be sure, there was no conclusive evidence but it seemed as good a judgement than any other. I had nothing else to go off, anyway.

I just want another goodbye! I want to have one last moment, just like the last, in the moonlight under the silver sky, lit up by the brightest of stars. Ones they hadn’t seen behind the endless clouds in years. And Eren, just like the stars in the sky, looked ethereal. A melancholy moment laced in hope for a next time. One that I was not gaining.

He looked like a star. One that I would follow to the ends of the earth if I just saw him one more time. One more ounce of hope and I was his forever. I would follow him to space and back if he needed it. I would go through anything for the boy that broke down my walls.

But now the storm had found us, dragged us away from each other so that promise I made to myself was pointless. It found us just as you found me in the sunshine of a day long past. A day that I wished to return...but never did.

I didn't want this relationship to be fast, I didn't want to run. No, I liked pace, I liked the amble in a relationship. What I didn’t like, what I _hated_ , was nothing. This wasn’t running, nor was it walking or even ambling. It had stopped. He was stationary. It was as if I couldn’t see him in the darkness. Eren made no attempt to free himself from it and I had no idea where to begin to look.

My largest fear, more than any of that, though, was something far different. It was not whether Eren appeared or not, that was up to destiny: I had no control over destiny, never had, never will. What I was afraid of was the storm ending. The familiar rain gave me a reason for him being gone. All I needed was a reason- no matter how irrational, no matter how painful. When that rain cleared and Eren didn’t come, I didn’t know what would happen. No, I knew. Pain. Agonising, torturous pain. I would wonder for the rest of my short eternity why he hadn’t come. Why he had never come. I would be left with nothing. But, I wasn’t a coward, I wouldn’t die by my own accord. I would grit my teeth and live on. Live a pointless, meaningless, dreary life.

I guess anything was better than dead.

I would have to live my entire life with the memory of those shining cerulean eyes, mussed hair and a painfully bright smile. And, as I grew old, those memories would fade- as all memories do- and I would only hear the distant echo of a time long past- a better time. One where there was a smile on my face too. If only for just a day or two.

I just wanted a stable life. I'd didn’t want to guess. No, I did. I denied it for so long but I did. I wanted unsettled. I loved Eren because he was never there- if that made sense at all. Him being gone made me long, made me love. If he were here, no doubt, we'd argue and cry and shout...but we'd love each other. Maybe that was worth it. Maybe love was worth it. Maybe love was worth the rattle of the cage or the boiling of my blood.

Maybe it wasn't.

I groaned, my hand flinching from the window as the cold became too much. I glanced at the clock. I had been lost in my thoughts for only just under an hour. Great. I sighed and pursed my lips, making my way to the kitchen slowly, my legs feeling limp underneath me. But, I made it without falling- much to my surprise, and began to cook. Well, began to shove something in a microwave and wait if that counted. I could cook, I was rather good, actually, but since Eren had left, I had found myself eating worse and worse. I was surprised I hadn't gained more weight than I had. Apart from the lost muscle, I was still on the rather small side- and _not_ just in height.

‘Eren, why can't you just tell me whether you're going to bloody leave or stay!’ My fist caught the edge of the table and for a single second, I almost keeled in pain. That shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. Maybe this ‘giving up’ situation was causing my pain resistance to go down to.

I finally, after another thirty seconds of waiting, opened the microwave and rushed the soup to the table before my hands gained scalding burns. I sat down, a luxury for my legs, and ate weakly, leaving almost have the bowl when I finished.

I stayed at the table, legs swinging slowly, passing the time- the tick-tock of the clock making it all the slower. ‘Eren, please come back.’ I sulked, resting my head in my arms on the table, my eyes closing minutely as if I were to sleep then and there. I wouldn’t be surprised if I could, boredom often brought lethargy with it.

I watched the room, analysing the cracks and the gleams. Of course, the house was spotless, making it all the duller to look out. Despite putting down almost all my hobbies, cleaning would not be one of them. If, _when_ , Eren came back I wanted to house to be spotless- just like any other guess, I guess.

The light suddenly reflected off the glass pane of the largest window and gleamed into my unwilling eyes. I winced, hissing slightly, before shooting out of my seat to avoid the single ray of sunshine that was now hitting my chair.

Wait, sunlight. There was sunlight! I threw myself at the window and watched the outside world. The rain had stopped and the sun was shining down like a hot summer's day used to be like. Eren. Eren, Eren, Eren. He could come out now!

Would he find me? Would he look for me? Would he come out of his home? Where did he live? The questions came round and round again until I found myself bored of them. If Eren came then Eren came, if he didn’t- well, that was just bad luck.

Every single day that I had lived had been painting in flames, continuous strikes of lightening followed by the distant rumble of thunder. The rain had been a constant. Eren had been a inconstant. The sun had been my hope. But, now it was here, it felt no better than a curse. I wanted Eren to be the lightning, not the sun. I wanted him to strike relentlessly until the day the storm ended. Then, I would no longer see him. But the sun only lasts a day, he would be back within a blink. But no, instead, he was the sun. The lightning was my punishment. He came in a blink and he was gone.

I stared out of the window, glaring at the harsh sun, watching as the children played below it, their smiles glowing as bright as it’s rays. He hated it. It was a sick joke made to taunt him as he stayed within the safety of his home.

Then, there was the knock. The knock that meant everything. I would be happy again, even if only for a day. I ran, sprinted, leapt even towards the door and swung it open without even checking who it was.

And, there he stood.

Eren, in all his beautiful glory, stood there with a smile on his face- panting as if he had just ran a mile. ‘I missed you.’ He breathed, looking as if he was restraining from holding me. So, before I could think of anything to say, I pulled him into my eyes and instead of the rain coming from the clouds, it came from my eyes.

 

 


	7. Thanatophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fear is our ruin. Fear blinds us, cripples us, kills us. But without fear, we'd all be dead. Fear is everything and it is nothing: it all relies on the person it's holding.

* * *

  **7.**

Thanatophobia

_Inspired by The Mortal Instruments Series by Cassandra Clare_

* * *

 

I screamed, my knees buckling, my eyes blinded by the mess of my brown hair falling over them. I clutched at my thigh, my fingers tracing the deep teeth marks that would no doubt leave a scar. 'Levi!' I called out, no reply. I heard grunts, the fighting was still going on. It was only a few demons, mangy bloodsuckers that we had been told to kill- at least the pay was decent for these ones. 'Levi!' I called again. This time, I felt a palm clutching the exact spot where the teeth had sunk in, ripping the flesh apart. The teeth of a demon that I had lost my sword to as I plunged it into his heart.

'What the hell did you do now, Eren?' Levi sighed, the black sparks beginning to encase his hands as he attempted to heal the bite, his magic weak from overuse. I shrugged, gritting my teeth to ignore the biting pain. I looked down to see the marks closing over, the flow of blood seeping through lessening. 'I don't have time to get rid of the poison. Get out. Mikasa will come when we've killed them.' His usual boredom was tinted with fear. We were taught to deal with situations such as these but that didn't make it any easier. Demon poison wasn't something that Levi could just fix.

Demon poison could be a death sentence.

I paid no attention to the continuous pain. Trying to blind myself instead of having to watch the guts of the demons spill against the pavements. Humans were lucky, they never had to see this. They _couldn't_ see this. Humans did not have the sight and without the sight, the shadow world was hidden behind the veil of black that only otherworldly creatures could pull back. Such as shadowhunters, like me, warlocks, that was Levi and more. Vampires, werewolves, seelies, all of them. All able to see behind the veil. Each with their own strengths and weaknesses.

Through blurred eyes, I watched the fighting, all hope of not seeing the gruesome scene lost. At least, with the knowledge that it was Levi fighting, I felt a little more comfort. Especially with the fact that he was not fighting to kill but to protect me. That was Levi, despite his nonchalant personality, and often quite rude attitude, he protected the ones he loved to his dying breath. And somewhere along the journey, I had become one of those loved ones.

'Eren, Eren, are you okay?' I panicked voice came, a girl's, quiet and calm. Mikasa, no doubt. She must have spotted the wound, she wouldn't have stopped fighting unless she had. Mikasa, my adopted sister, worried for me- often too much. But, now, it seemed fair for her to worry, especially with Levi's clearly better skills on the battlefield being put to use. Although, it could be debated. Levi may have been strong but Mikasa's stealth was next to none and being a shadowhunter, she had perks that he did not. Just as he had skills that she did not possess too.

I nodded, the ache returning as I focused in on it again. My distraction had been stripped away and I couldn't help but curse at Mikasa under my breath as she examined the wound. The very, very painful wound. My thigh held the brunt of it, the teeth marks clearly visible just below my pelvis. The pain had spread though, the poison slowly trying to make it's way to my heart. My sister drew out her stele, something similar to a wand used by shadowhunters- a gift from the angels- that could grant us many gifts. One of those being healing. She drew the healing rune, a tattoo that was produced when the stele was pressed against the skin, but it did nothing- it was to be expected. Healing runes were useful but they were not meant to treat poisons. Shadowhunters would be no less than unkillable if that were the case.

In that moment, I truly thought I was going to die.

By the time the last demon had his heart ripped from his chest and had been sent back to the hellish place it came from, I was blind. The poison, it seemed, has reached my eyes before my heart despite them being much further away. Or, almost more realistically, the shock had sent me into this state. Although I fought demons on a daily basis- it was my job for God's sake- so why now was I suddenly like this?

I had always feared death. It was inevitable. I was a warrior, I was bound to the contract of a death far too early. That fear sent me reeling. At some thoughts, I had found my head over a sink, gagging. At other times, much milder times, I found myself writhing as if in pain. Fear was never something I had dealt with very well. Maybe it was due to me not having many fears at all. In fact, maybe I only had one.

A fear of death in the face of death was not a mix that was supposed to happen. If my body could force the contents of my stomach into a sink at the thought of death, I was sure death itself could cause blindness. It could also cause much, much worse. But what could it do? Kill you? Give you your worst nightmare whilst also freeing you from the pain?

Some called it a phobia. I had never heard of a phobia before. Thanatophobia. A fancy word for something very simple. Levi was talking, I recognised that, at least. But, the blindness was no better than being unconscious. Something inside me swirled and without warning, I was hurling onto, what I assumed was, the pavement. Hopefully not Levi, his clean freak nature would probably cause him to follow suit.

'Levi, what's happening.' Oh, right. I hadn't told Mikasa, had I? It wasn't a well-known fact. I had revealed it to Levi in one of my worst moments, back home with my mum, dad and friends I kept it to myself. I was silent, shivering in the loneliness of my bedroom. That was until I met Levi and it all came flooding out. Now, when it hit me, I huddled up by his side and let him soothe down my hair until my breathing regulated.

'He's trying to live by killing himself.' A statement that made no sense, clearly Mikasa could not follow. She continued to ramble on but Levi ignored her, scooping me into his arms and hushing me, smoothing down my hair just as he always did. But, this time was different. This time, I felt the buzz of his magic as he tried to drive the poison away. It was clear that he could not do this on the street, though, his energy was depleting quickly. He was dying just as quickly as I was.

'How far is the Institute from here?' Levi asked. The Institute, my home, could be miles away. If it was, it was clear now that we were both dead.

'Minutes.' Mikasa sounded sure, letting another slither of hope seep through. I felt Levi nod, his head just by mine before I was lifted off the ground, my vision still black and was being carried in the direction of, no doubt, the Institute.

'Levi.' I whimpered in his arms, shivering. 'I don't want to die.' What were supposed to be strong words were the weakest I had ever spoken. I sounded no better than a child. Maybe I was, I had only just reached eighteen a couple of weeks ago.

I was no better than a child.

'Calm down, calm down.' He assured, his blunt nature stripped, leaving him bare. I knew it was all for me and I couldn't help but be selfish and be glad that he was being open, even if the paranoia inside him was breaking loose. Maybe, within the short journey, he would join me in blindness.

I shut my eyes, it made no difference but at least the tears could no longer flow in floods. My eyelids were the faulty floodgates, the water still seeping through, burning my cheeks like acid. 'Levi.' I whimpered, again, reaching out for him- longing for even the slightest more contact. The arms holding me were not enough, not if this would be the last chance I got to touch him.

'We're nearly there.' He reassured and somewhere in the next few seconds I was sure I could hear Mikasa sob, followed by Armin's calm and calculated voice. He was trying to comfort her and failing, no surprise there. I almost wanted to myself. I couldn't. I was a blind, immobile man whose fear had been the cause of his stripped away sight.

My hands found Levi's chest. I grasped at the smooth skin as if it were the stone of a cliff. To no avail, my hands only fell down again. With nothing to hold my hands up, my arms' strength lost long ago, they fell back into my lap. The sobs rang clearer and louder. Mine much louder than the others. It was when I felt a foreign drip on my face that my crying ceased, if only just for a second.

Levi. Levi was crying. Crying because of me. Crying because I was dying. _Oh god,_ I was dying. I didn't want to die. I couldn't die. No. This wasn't happening. No, this was not happening. This was definitely not happening.

'The Institute, we're here!' Mikasa called out, my body starting to shake, the demon poison running through my blood like fire.

'Clear the path to the infirmary!' Levi called, the tears still streaming down his cheeks- his dignity lost. He no longer cared for it. Mikasa must have nodded, I heard no return call, my eyes still useless as I stared dully at the black sky. A sea of darkness.

'You're going to be okay, Eren. You're going to be fine.' Levi choked out, his grasp on my much tighter than before. Movement stopped, then a creak of a door and a flurry of shouts, screams, cries and running. I can't remember it all. The activity around me was too much to comprehend with just my ears.

And then, silence. This wasn't just fear anymore. This was death's bite. My breathing was unstable, my heart palpitations irregular as I convulsed and panicked. Fear wounded me like a knife slicing my throat. The venom pained me like salt to an open wound.

The fear would always be worse than the pain. I screamed; I couldn't hear it. There was only silence and the beating of my heart- an imaginary sound made by my own mislead brain. I screamed again, not even my mind could make a sound now. I was stuck in limbo, a void. Blackness encased me, silence surrounded me. I was alone. I was dying. I could have been dead. Death had never scared me more.

'Eren! Someone get the defibrillator!' It was nothing but a distant echo, my mind registering little of who spoke or what of. What was a defibrillator again? Who was Eren? My mind was fading in and out and then, as had happened so often, I wasn't able to think at all. Death held me in its grasp.

...

I woke to a fierce kiss to my lips. Despite the instinct to push the unknown off me, I simply let myself calm and melt into it. And, when they pulled away and saw my flushed cheeks and bright eyes, I was surprised to see Levi, who was no better than tripping over his own feet in surprise.

'Levi?' I asked, wanting to help but feeling trapped to the bed- my legs metal and my muscles paralysed.

'Eren.' He choked out, his eyes brimming with tears as he wrapped his frail arms around my torso. 'It's really you.' He sobbed. My eyes widened in exclamation. Was Levi...crying? Levi didn't cry. This was impossible.

The bigger question, what just happened?

 

 

 

 


	8. Meant To Be Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some people in life that you don't want to lose and there are some people you do. The hardest thing is going from one to the other.

* * *

  **8.**

Meant To Be Yours

_Based off of the song Meant To Be Yours from Heathers The Musical_

* * *

 

'Come on, Eren! All is forgiven! We have a date tonight!' Levi called, his mouths inches from the door, shouting through to the trembling boy on the other side. Levi smiled sadistically, his palm raised flat on the door as he leant his weight against it. The door didn't budge. Not only was it locked but barricaded too.

Eren had never been more terrified in his life. His boyfriend, and psychopath, was waiting just outside his room, ready to light the match and watch chaos ensue. He had fallen in love with the most dangerous guy in school; he should have known the sly looking boy with the raven hair covering his face and a tattoo on his neck would be more than just trouble. Eren had never signed himself up for this, though. He hadn't found the bad boy. He had found the insane boy.

'Come on, Eren! I know we're not over, not yet. You wouldn't let that happen, would you? You threw me out of your life but I know you want me back. I do!' His voice sounded pleading, innocent almost. Almost. Levi would never be innocent, not in a thousand years. 'It hit me that it isn't you who didn't want me. It's society. You're letting yourself be a pawn, Eren. You love me, I know you do! Just come out, please.' And there go the rants again. The rants of society being against him. The rants of him being an outcast.

Of course, he was an outcast, that's just what murderers are.

'You know I'm right, Eren. I know you know I am!' His voice echoed loudly, his deep voice resonating around the room like a sonic boom. Eren cringed, hiding his body within itself as if to protect himself from the sound. He pushed his fingers in his ears and blocked the sound but he could still hear.

Every single venom-laced word.

'Those assholes are the key! Your so-called friends are keeping you away from me! They've made you blind and made up your mind. This isn't your decision, I know it isn't!' Another knock, another plea, another sob wracking Eren's body. They didn't make up his mind. Levi said it with so much surety. He was wrong. Levi was always wrong. Because Levi couldn't tell the difference between wrong and right. There was no line to him, they were one in the same. Or, maybe if he did the see the line, it was blurred or moved or no...these are just excuses. The only thing to be said about Levi is that he is ill. You can't blame him because he is ill.

But who do you blame if not the criminal?

'Come on, Eren! Come out! I can set you free! We can do what we want! You don't have to hide anymore!' Levi's voice dripped with enthusiasm: a sick, dark, twisted enthusiasm that Eren couldn't quite wrap his head around.

'Please, Eren.' He begged when silence became his response. Levi wouldn't leave, though, they both knew that. Levi set his mind on something and never took his eye off it.

'When you left me, I fell apart. I punched and I cried and I screamed. You changed me for the better! You made me let the emotions in and now I'm vulnerable. So, please, don't leave me alone.' He begged, his voice frail and gentle. Eren knew better. His mind pleaded for him to let Levi in. Eren knew better. He wanted to, one reach and he could unlock the door. Eren knew better.

'Come on, Eren.' Levi whined, the fragility leaving his voice by the second. Eren was right to have known better. Levi was the king of manipulation, of emotion changes, of Eren. 'You want to hear my plan? You'll like it, I bet you will.' He spoke slyly, his voice deep and grave.

'I've built a bomb, Eren. A bomb.' He whispered through the door, his mouth no doubt against it. He couldn't go without Eren hearing the plan. He had to have that at the least. And anyway, soon enough, even if Eren didn't open the door, he would break it down.

'Tonight our school is Vietnam. Let's guarantee that all your so-called friends never have their senior prom.' He spoke excitedly, like a young child, impossible for an eighteen-year-old to do- so, how did he?

'Come on, Eren! Open up! I was meant to be yours, you now that. We were meant to be one! Don't give up on me now! Let's finish what we began!' Eren knew what that meant. He knew all so well as he imagined the blood dripping from his fingers once again.

Eren whimpered, the red stain feeling heavy in his hands. Then, without looking, he realised that the blood wasn't metaphorical. His nails, bitten and broken- the edges still sharp- had dug under his skin and procured the bright red liquid that now stained his hands. Blood, a lot of blood. Ten cuts worth of blood.

'Eren, I know you're in there. Can you at least say something? I love you, you can say that right? Because I love you, that means you love me too, doesn't it.' Naive Levi. No, not naive. Naive suggests innocence. Levi was unaware. Levi didn't understand emotions, didn't understand right and wrong, didn't understand the power of his words. The words that hurt Eren so much. The words that made Eren so happy.

Eren clutched his head in his hands; it didn't make sense. Levi had once been good and despite the harsh exterior, he had a kind heart and had helped Eren through some of his darkest times, or maybe just plain worst. But then, he filled that cup with bleach and made someone slip it down their throats.

He watched someone drink bleach with a smile on his face.

'Eren, hear me out. We'll put the bomb in the gym and when the school blows, we'll leave a note. Like the other ones! Your forgeries are perfect, you can do it and this will all be over. School will be gone, society will be for the better and we...we'll be together again.'

Eren's skull was on fire. His thoughts raged like flames through trees. He clutched his head in his hands and tried to dampen it but nothing would. The words were a lighter and he was burning alive.

'Eren, hear me out. Look, I'll read it to you.' Levi paused for a brief moment and after a second of rustling, he began to read.

'We the students of Sina Maria High will die. Our burnt bodies may finally get through to you and your society. You turn out slaves and blanks. No thanks.

Signed, the students of Sina Maria High.' Levi paused again and the silence deafened Eren's ringing ears. It was too much. Too much. Too much.

'Goodbye.' Eren choked. The letter, he had to get rid of the letter. Burn the letter. Rip is to shreds. Eat it. Hide it. Scribble the words out with ink. He couldn't, though, he was locked behind doors. Like a coward.

He didn't have the courage to save his school.

He didn't even have anyone he wanted to save.

'We'll watch the smoke pour out of the doors, Eren! You'll love it. It will be like a movie set! We could bring marshmallow, make smores on the roaring flames.' Eren could no longer tell the difference between reality and fiction. Levi's words came in a realm altogether in between. He mixed the concepts until they were undefinable, no different from the other.

Eren didn't know what to trust.

So, he didn't trust any of it.

'Come on, Eren. Open up, please. I'm sick of this divide. I was meant to be yours! You know that! How many times do I have to say it to get through to you!' His voice switched to aggression so quickly. Eren backed away into a corner. How could he go from juvenile to overbearingly frightening?

'Go away.' Eren whimpered, his body squashed between his bathtub and his sink.

'No, Eren! I won't! I can't do this alone! We have to finish what we've begun, Eren. No matter how much you deny it, you enjoy this, I know you do. I'm all that you need, Eren. You stuck a knife into my heart, you can't just leave me to bleed like this.' He snarled, his fingernails scraping down the wooden frame separating them.

A pause.

A bang. As loud as a gunshot.

'Eren, OPEN THE DOOR!' He screamed, his fist connecting with the wood, splinters being produced on the other side. Eren shuffled back, muffling another sob with the back of his hand. He shook his head. No, he wouldn't do this. He had to do what he was planning to do. He had to.

'Eren, let's not fight anymore. Open the door. I know you're scared, I've been there too. But, Eren, I can set you free!' Another pause. Eren didn't notice this time. 'Don't make me knock this door down! I'm giving you three seconds!' Levi waited, his fist against the door and with a stern voice, began to count.

'One.'

'Two.'

'Fuck it.' The door was open.

Levi looked inside, reeling back when he saw what was inside.

Eren sat in a pool of his own blood.

 

 

 


	9. Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What causes fear is not what is known but what is unknown.

 

* * *

  **9.**

Clouds

_[The Original Manga I Based This Off Of](http://jaeger.co.vu/post/80746728808) _

* * *

 

'You see, I have this subordinate named Eren.' Levi began just as he had done for the last three days that Eren had been away. He had been in the medical ward for four days now, initially admitted by Eren for 'odd behaviour'. The source was still unknown. Hanji had attempted to talk through the first days but Levi had remained unresponsive and even she soon gave up. She didn't want to, she tried so hard not to but the blank look in his eyes had forced her away like a wind in the winter. She had thought herself to be fearless but the response sent a chill straight down to her bone. The look had even Erwin on edge. Levi looked empty. Not uncaring, as he usually did, but empty- as if he wasn't aware of his own existence. His answers were vague as if he wasn't quite sure of who he was talking to or if he was talking to anyone at all.

'I know, honey.' Hanji answered as she took another blood sample using a long, dust syringe. She pulled it out quickly but Levi didn't even wince. Had he lost all sensation? That was another possibility to add to the increasingly large list that now covered tens of pages of her notebook.

'Eren should be back tomorrow.' He stated numbly, his hair glistening in the sunlight whilst his eyes reflected nothing but an eerie, black emptiness.

'He'll be back today, sweetheart.' Hanji murmured, leaning her head on his shoulder, sitting next to him on the creaky hospital bed. Levi didn't notice that she had spoken or, at least, she saw no signs of a reaction. She couldn't be sure. Levi was usually so nonchalant to his surroundings, meaning he often looked bored. But, bored and empty are two very different things. Levi cared, maybe more than anyone; he had seen more people die than most would see in multiple lifetimes. It had caused him to retreat into a shell whilst sending the other veterans into their own mental wars; Erwin's far fetched aim of saving the entirety of humanity by himself and Hanji's loopy personality, although it couldn't be written off that that was part of her personality too.

War broke even the strongest of minds. But, Hanji had never seen a mind break like this. She had seen many medical conditions since she had moved the hospital wing but never this. This wasn't PTSD nor was it related to trauma at all. It was as if that shell he had retreated into had ridden itself of him. He was only his body now.

'Levi, did you hear me? I said he'll be back  today.' Hanji said again, glancing at the clock. Levi's eyes lit up for just a millisecond before the light was snuffed out again as was Hanji's hope.

The familiar sound of hooves rang throughout the rickety building; Eren was back. Hanji smiled gently. If anyone could fix Levi, it would be Eren. Although, at this point, Hanji wasn't sure that love, care and affection was really the best course to get their captain back. Hanji leapt off the bed, anyway, as energetic as ever, taking one last glance at Levi before she left.

'You know I have this subordinate named Eren.' He said suddenly as if he hadn't said it before.

'I know, Levi, I know.' She sighed before leaving for good, deserting Levi in the dark, damp medical wing. The place itself was not suitable for the purpose of healing but it worked well enough to dump dying soldiers into until their long awaited deaths. That was its only purpose bar from the few days Hanji decided to turn it into a second laboratory. Levi was the first real sick patient they'd had that wasn't either dead or dying. The thought itself was morbid but honest- there was no escaping death as a soldier.

'Levi!' Came a thrilled shriek of that little boy named Eren. Eren had admired Levi for so long and when the Captain had finally confirmed both of their feelings with a kiss, it had seemed everything was right in the world. Until three days ago. Three days ago Levi had woken up and had acted as if he didn't know that Eren was, well, Eren. He talked about Eren to the boy himself as if he wasn't right in front of him. It had struck fear not only into Eren but to the rest of his close circle too. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. But, Eren had hope that it would be fixed by now. He was wrong.

Eren came running into the medical ward where he was told Levi would be, running up to him and hugging him tightly. Levi didn't move, nor did he speak. Eren pulled back, worry etched on his face. 'Levi?' He asked, adding no more. Levi looked at the man blankly and Eren knew that he was wrong, nothing had been fixed. It was happening again.

Levi finally met Eren's eyes with a look as blank as a cloudy night's sky. 'You know, I have this subordinate named Eren.' Eren broke. He could feel it as if it were a fracture to his bone. The pain crashed to him and he felt himself keeling, his breath lost. Levi didn't know his own lover's face. He didn't know Eren. He didn't know himself. Eren's mind short-circuited. There was a pause and their eyes locked. Not an ounce of recognition.

Eren ran. He couldn't do anything but run. He wasn't sure where he was running, only that it was away from Levi. Eren found himself running faster and with more purpose. He had to find Hanji. It was his one and only aim now: reach Hanji and ask her what the hell was going on. And, within a few seconds, he had found her room: the door wide open with Hanji inside.

Hanji wasn't herself that day. She sat on her bed, her head in her hands and small whimpers coming from her mouth. 'Hanji?' Eren asked warily, stepping inside. She shook her head and looked up at him with bloodshot eyes.

'I don't know what's happening, Eren. Levi, he won't do anything. He won't say anything. He stares at me blankly all day. He keeps on talking about you and I hoped that you might...wake him up or something of the sort. But...well.' She whimpered and Eren, now more confident, sat next to her and rested his head on her shoulder. 'I know how you feel.' He gazed up at her. 'But, we have to try everything. This might be a new disease but your Hanji Zoe, if anything, you're the one that can cure him.' Eren smiled reassuringly and Hanji nodded, a wan smile making its way onto her face. She looked calm and thoughtful and Eren couldn't help but feel that the look suited Hanji more than the crazed scientist that had some even crazier friends.

'For now, let's just look after him, huh?' Eren smiled and Hanji looked down at him, nodding.

'It's the only thing we can do.'

 

* * *

 []

'You can't see him?' Eren asked, pushing the heavily built wheelchair in front of him. With a lack of technology and an obvious lack of people in the hospital rather than the morgue, a wheelchair had to be made rather than used.

It jittered every time they passed over a rock on the grinding path outside of the castle which, in turn, was outside of the cities walls. The expedition was not over just yet and this would be their hideout for all purposes.

'That's right. That darn Eren! He's on an expedition right now. I hope that he comes back safely.' Levi looked up to the ceiling, a tear rolling down his cheek, yet, he was still smiling. It was as if he was reliving a fond memory. Yet, it seemed that, at the moment, Levi could have fond memories. It had been as if his mind was blank. Nothing was there but the ability to process words- the same words.

'Eren.' He breathed, following the pattern of the clouds as if Eren was not the one he was talking to. He talked as if Eren was in the sky. It was as if Eren was...dead. Eren's stomach churned and he wished to gag but he stayed in his position, for Heichou's sake.

'I'm sure that Eren is safe and doing well.' Eren bit out, swallowed thickly, pushing the wheelchair further, his legs more rackety than it's wheels on the stone. Eren couldn't bear this anymore but he held his thoughts in, not voicing it in case it only came back to haunt him later. There was no clear evidence to say Levi would not remember his time as, well, a ghost.

He and Hanji had promised to give Levi their all and they were trying their hardest. It had been three days since Eren's return and Levi's condition had only worsened. Hanji had no solution, despite her notebook being filled to the brim with scribbles and noted, and Eren was bearing the unbearable. He talked to Levi as if they were both ghosts. Neither could see the real man behind the mask and each word passed through them in a cloud of unimportance. They were see through, they were nothing.

'You ass! You said Eren's name without an honorific!' Levi snapped, as he often did. Levi no longer seemed to see the line between emotions. He could be happy, angry, sad then confused all within a minute. He had lost the leash and Levi was now running around wildly with no control.

He just wasn't Levi anymore.

Eren had learnt to only flinch and continue on as a nasty comment was thrown at his face like a sharp stone. He had no time to argue with a man that was unaware of the world around him. He didn't want to anger him nor did he want to rile himself.

Eren blushed under Levi's heavy gaze but continued wheeling him down the corridor, his legs beginning to fall from beneath him. But, he was a soldier and even on shaky legs, he knew how to go on.

'Just kidding.' Levi laughed, smiling an empty smile but it was more than Levi had ever done any time elsewhere. He wasn't one to smile or to even laugh. A smirk had come Eren's way a few times but no more. But, it felt that in that moment, an empty smile was worse than no smile at all.

Eren brought his hand to his cheek to dust a fleck of mud away, only to pull them away and find them wet. Since when had he been crying? He felt the liquid drip from his chin and realised he had been crying since the beginning. Eren hated to cry but this just seemed like one of those times he was allowed to. No, not allowed to, wanted to. Levi was breaking him and he was letting him. Eren had an undying loyalty to the man and he knew he would never leave his side to never return. Eren would always find his way back to him.

'Why are you crying?' Levi asked gently, turning around in his creaky wheelchair. There was a pause, a such dreaded pause that only informed Eren of what was about to happen. This was not good. This was not good. This was not good. 'Hey, you know?' Levi smiled, looking as if he was trying to cheer the boy up. Eren looked up again, waiting for the inevitable. Levi wasn't going to cheer him up, he was going to break him further. 'I have this subordinate named Eren.' Eren wanted to cry, he wanted to shout and in the moment, it all came out. He grabbed Levi's shoulders tightly, crushing them in his grip and brought his face only an inch away from Levi's, the tears still spilling from his bloodshot eyes.

'It's me, Heichou. It's Eren. I'm Eren!' He screamed. His temper had broke but Levi's spell had not. Levi stared at him blankly, trembling under Eren's harsh gaze. He was afraid. Eren had made Levi afraid. He had done the impossible. Levi was afraid of nothing, but now, he was scared of even little Eren. The boy who had a bloodlust directed towards the beasts that roamed their world but could never hurt a fly otherwise.

Images flashed through Eren's mind of all the times Levi had said those words over the last few days and how each any every time he had wanted to scream- wanted to strike fear into the man. The guilt sent floods instead of tears. Eren couldn't hold it in anymore. He couldn't do it for Levi anymore. So, he ran. He ran as fast as his legs would take him.

And moments later, he found himself inside his bedroom, down in the dungeon, sliding down the inside of the metal bars, the metal clanging loudly as he hit them with a thud. He bawled into his cupped hands. He had just ruined everything. He had broken his promise. He had broken his friendship. He had broken his lover.

He had broken everything and he couldn't bring himself to forgive that.

Eren felt a failure and he knew that there was no fixing this. Eren couldn't fix this. Levi couldn't fix this. They were both stuck in the loop and there was no escape.

They were stuck in a cycle of sadness: the most common of them all.

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Levi couldn't seem to remember a thing. His memory was as blurred as the world around him. One moment he would remember who he was, what he did but he struggled in even that. He felt as if he had suffered memory loss yet that couldn't be it. He remembered some things so vividly. He remembered Eren so vividly. His bright sea, blue eyes. He remembered them. He wished he would come back, he had been so long. He was supposed to be back soon. Yet, hadn't he been saying that for a while now? No, he hadn't. He was clear on that.

He wondered where that boy ran off to, the brat. He just left him in a wheelchair out on the grounds. Levi scowled but made no attempts at moving and just folded his arms and waited. Waited for Eren to come back.

He never did and, an hour later, Levi still hadn't moved. His arms were tensed and his scowl was now engraved on his face. That brat, he thought, tapping his foot. He should have stood up and walked back an hour ago but the thought never crossed Levi's mind. In this state, he had lost all independence.

'Levi!' He heard a call but paid no attention to it. Was he Levi? Maybe, he didn't remember anymore. No, he was Levi, he definitely was. But, he still didn't turn around. He didn't realise he had to turn around. He had lost his social etiquette. He didn't know that when someone called your name, it was normal to turn to them. He had lost his sense of norm.

He was just there, now, and he did nothing about it.

He was no longer humanity's strongest, he was humanity's weakest. He was frail, forgetful and dependent. He had almost reverted back to a child. 'Levi!' That voice came again, this time he did move but, not in the way he was supposed to. He stood up but his legs were too shaky, he hadn't used them in days. He fell backwards, lucky to land back in the wheelchair just as a woman, with brown hair and thick-framed glasses, appeared in front of him. She smiled yet it was so solemn, he couldn't find it within himself to smile back.

Who was this woman, anyway? She looked crazed and Levi couldn't see him having any relationship, friendship or otherwise, with anyone of the sorts. But, it was clear, that she thought that they were close. Why did he not remember? He had no injuries, did he? Nothing had happened to him. So why, all of a sudden, did he feel as if a chunk of his life could be taken away.

In fact, now that he thought about it, this woman reminded me of his friend Hanji. He wondered were Hanji was- most likely doing experiments, the crazy old bat. 'Time to take you back, Levi.' The woman smiled another kind smile- no matter how fake it was- and began to wheel him back inside. Levi wallowed in the warmth as it enwrapped him- the doors now shut behind him.

The woman began to talk but he paid no attention. He paid attention to the details of the building, instead. He didn't remember this place either. How had he got here? He thought he lived in the underground, that was where his home was, was it not? Had he moved since then? The questions were as blurred as his thoughts around him.

Everything was blurred.

It was the best description, he found. No matter how clearly he saw, it was all blurred. The memories that every object should bring, brought nothing. It was as if he were made and not born. It was as if he had been placed down to be noticed but not take notice of anything else. He was lost in a world of blur and he had no way out of it.

There was no cure.

Levi focused his eyes again on seeing the crazed woman opening the door and wheeling him through. It was the medical centre, he knew that much. 'You know, I have a subordinate named Eren.' He began, trying to begin a conversation. The woman only answered with the same answer he had heard so many times before, each time by the boy with the sea green eyes. 'I know.' Levi sighed but smiled at the thought of Eren. He wanted him back, he had been gone so long. How long had it been?

'Levi, you need rest. Would you be able to lie down for me.' She said as she brought me onto the bed, my body upright and tense. I nodded feebly and lay down gently on my back, my eyes trailing to the ceiling. It was dull, made of rocks that could fall and crumble at any moment but Levi didn't care, he had something to watch- something to entertain himself. It seemed trivial that a thing such as a ceiling could entice a man so much but Levi was in no normal state of mind. This could be a daily routine for him and he would still be excited at the prospect of memorising the lines of the roof.

What a dull life his had become.

Humanity's strongest had become humanity's most boring. He was dismal, boring and grim. He was closer to reverting back to his old self, though. The grouchy man in his mid-thirties who had no time for happiness. Not that anyone did, in the army that is.

Levi found himself losing consciousness rather quickly. And, as he closed his eyes, he forgot the thoughts of the bland ceiling and he let his mind wander. Yet, it didn't seem to go very far. He found himself trapped within a memory. It was a memory of Eren. He smiled, now asleep, watched by Hanji who was almost asleep herself. 'You'll come back one day, I know you will.' She reassured herself, a stray tear wiped hastily from her cheek. She hated crying, she had no fear. But, this was her best friend. Her best friend who didn't know who she was. They were like family. Who forgot family?

It seemed he had and there was no point in trying to change it. The ones around Levi would just have to adjust, that was how life would be. 'You know, I have a subordinate named Eren.' Hanji heard Levi mumble in his sleep. She laughed emptily and rested her head back. Maybe, just maybe, he would wake up fine tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

 

Eren yawned and stepped out of his room, peering down the corridor for any intruders or simply Sasha and Connie sneaking out for another midnight snack. He wanted to see Levi, even if it would break his heart even more. He couldn't take being away from him when he was in this state. He wasn't safe. He was delirious to everything around him. He had lost all independence and Eren had promised to keep him safe and, somehow, he had already managed to fail.

There was no doubt that Hanji had found him and cared for him but something about that made Eren even more mad at himself. He didn't want to burden anyone else, even if they had vowed the same thing as him. Eren wanted to be Levi's trustee but how could he do that when he kept running away?

The hallways held an eerie silent, only interrupted by the odd snore by a recruit. It seemed that they were the only ones to snore. Eren laughed quietly as he passed Jean's room, a roar of a snore coming from within but kept walking without teasing the older boy.

He only had one thing on his mind and that was Levi.

After another five minutes of walking, he found himself at the abandoned hospital wing. Levi was laying on the single bed, Hanji nowhere in sight- she would probably be asleep by now. Eren smiled at how peaceful Levi looked and brought up a stool next to the bed. He rested his arms on the bed and his head on his hands and watched the man, looking for any signs of injury.

Luckily, there were none. Hanji must have got him quickly or, at least, he hoped so. The thought of Levi waiting outside for hours with no one by his side struck fear into the young recruit more so than a titan did.

'Levi, when you wake up, please remember me. I don't think I can do this anymore.' Eren smiled weakly, not letting his sadness seep through. This was Eren's wish, just to be remembered. Not as the boy who was a titan. Not as humanity's saviour. But, simply for Levi to remember him until his last day on this earth, no matter how soon that would be.

'I miss you, Levi.' He whispered, his eyes closing as sleep took over him. His arms dropped, folded on the bed, creating a pillow-like structure for him to sleep on. 'Goodnight, Heichou. I'll see you when you wake up.'

 

* * *

 

Levi peeled open his eyes, wincing at the sudden burst of light that hit him. The curtains were open, no one had closed them before nightfall and the rays of sun stung his eyes as they reflected off the mirror on the opposite wall and into his blurry eyes. The bed creaked underneath him as he pulled himself up, leaning back on his frail arms, trying to wake himself up with something other than the painful light. It must be late morning, he thought as he stared at the sun which was now high in the sky. It was almost midday. He glanced over cautiously as he felt the bed lean to one side. A boy was here. Eren was here. Eren. That name was so clear. Eren was back. That was Eren. But, hadn't Eren been back for a while? Why did he feel as if Eren had come back only now?

Maybe, it was him who had just come back.

One of Eren's eyes opened gently as he peered up at the raven-haired man in front of him. 'Ugh, where am I?' Eren groaned, cracking his bones as he stretched, trying to wake himself up. He was still groggy and his vision was blurred to the point where he could have been blind, not revealing who it was he was next to.

'Why am I in the hospital room?' Eren sighed, blinking, rubbing his eyes to focus his vision. 'Oh right, Levi.' He mumbled to himself before he finally looked back to the man he had seen as he woke up. He jolted up, his body rigid and prepares to run as he saw Levi staring at him. Was that curiosity he saw? The emptiness was gone, filled with that diminished light. But, it was light nonetheless.

'What's wrong, Eren?' Levi asked, cautiously as if it was Eren who had the disability and not him. Eren snapped his eyes to watch Levi's as they warily watched him, scanning him from top to bottom- just like every soldier was trained to do.

'What did you say just now?' Eren pleaded, bringing himself onto his arms, his eyes wide with hope. Eren looked like himself. He looked like the hope-ridden child who wished to 'kill them all!'.

'Huh?' Levi shook his head as if he had misunderstood. He knew he hadn't but what had he just said that was so important? He had simply asked a question. What was so important about that?

'Do you know who I am? Do you?!' Eren begged, leaning even further forward, so close that Levi could feel his breath. Levi wanted to back away, seeing Eren in this state was intimidating yet so much more intriguing. This was what Levi had always found in Eren. Levi had always been intrigued by the young soldier. Something everyone else he had met failed to do- maybe apart from his close friends Erwin and Hanji.

'What are you saying? Of course, I do.' He laughed under his breath and smiled that soft smile he had reserved for Eren and only Eren. 'You're Eren, right?' Eren's eyes widened and he smiles one of his manic smiles and smashed his lips against Levi's in a hungry kiss.

'You remember. You remember...' He repeated the phrase until he was too out of breath to continue. He bustled his head into the crook of Levi's neck and began to cry. He didn't sob, he was too happy, he just let the tears flow. He had held it in for so long, it was time to just let it out.

'What are you...?' Levi seemed at a loss for words.

'Don't ask. I'm just glad your back.' Eren breathed, smiling. 'I can't believe you're back.'

 

* * *

 

 

Eren left only when Hanji dragged him out the door with promises that he could return later. Eren, despite the dismissal, was doubtful in leaving Hanji and Levi in a room together. With his memory miraculously intact and a crazy woman in his room, I felt like he might just slip away again. Eren, either way, returned to his room in silence, his cheeks still tear-stained but a smile permanently etched on his face.

Hanji, unlike Eren, was beaming. Her face represented pride and glee all in one. Levi looked at her with disdain, and a tinge of fear, as she bounded around the hospital wing, gathering heaps of paper before throwing them towards Levi as if he were to catch them.

Of course, he didn't. The paper fluttered around the room, catching the air like feathers before scattering around the room, showing notes upon notes about Levi's condition. 'What is this?' He breathed, his voice catching the wind, muffled by the racket of the shaking windows as the breeze flew by.

'Notes. On your condition, Levi.' Hanji smiled, collecting a few closest to her, making sure not to tear the few under her feet as she stepped around the room.

'Condition?' His face contorted into a look of confusion as he scanned the room, trying to pick up words from the pages but finding nothing but a blur of black. Damn Hanji and her awful handwriting. It was no more than a swirl and a dot on a page, mixed together with some curved lines that could represent any of ten letters of the alphabet.

'You really don't remember much, do you? I'm not sure what Eren has told you but I'm sure it wasn't much- he has no idea what is happening in that head of yours, mister.' She joked, trying to keep her mood light before his face dropped and a grey cloud hung low above their heads.

The rain began to patter against the already rattling window as Hanji made her way to his bedside, sitting on the stool Eren had just slept on and leant in the same position as he had.

'You have what some call Dementia, Levi. It's rare or at least it is among people of your age, it's more common of people in their fifties and above, not that many live to that age, and it can have life-threatening side-effects.' Her face dropped further as she saw Levi's face twist from one of confusion to one of utter disbelief.

'That's not possible. What are the side-effects, Hanji.' He whispered, his voice shaky as much as his legs were when he made an attempt to stand, only to fall back on the bed again. There was no movement that could relieve the stress from his bones, it was all too forceful. He felt as if bricks had been stacked on his back. He had an illness. He wasn't going to die in battle. He was going to die of a bloody illness.

'I don't think you want to-'

'Tell me what the side effects are, Hanji!' He roared, his voice echoing around the vacant building. Levi rarely raised his voice but he was scared. He wasn't scared of much but in this instance, he was terrified. The woman flinched but stood her ground, tears springing to her eyes but never spilling. They were soldiers, they would never let the tears spill.

Levi's fear was soon replaced with nonchalance as Hanji explained the side-effects. Many were unknown and for the ones that were, it was unclear of just how they worked or how they affected the body. Memory loss seemed to be a key feature yet it wasn't permanent nor was it memory loss. Just as had been displayed by Levi, he had known of Eren, he had known everything about Eren, yet, when he had seen the boy, he had failed in identifying him.

The illness was no more than life-destroyer. It was deadly to a soldier- could cause them to forget to even fight when in the battlefield. It could stop them from moving. It could stop them from living. It was doing all in one to Levi.

Levi, despite his shaking body, still looked uncaring- disinterested. Hanji began to fear what was running through the corporal's mind. What he was hiding from the world. Locked up emotions were the strongest. Yet, she felt as if she could trust Eren to deal with the side-effects.

No matter how close they were, Hanji and Levi's friendship was one of banter and not open emotions. Not even Erwin and Levi had gotten to that stage. They had revealed to emotions to each other, yes, yet they had never shown them. Their faces always remained blank, impassive.

'I need to talk to Erwin. We don't know how this will affect you in battle yet. Can you wait here for me to return?' Levi nodded, his face still blank yet his eyes fearful as if a beast had flung itself at him and he could no longer move.

Hanji, with no more words, left the room, her crazed look faded by a mask of sadness. This illness would not only affect Levi. Like any disease, it affected the people around the culprit almost as much as it did the victim.

Levi scoffed at the thought of staying put but made sure to wait minutes before attempting to stand up. Despite many fails of making it onto his own two feet, he managed to stand and after days in a wheelchair, he finally felt free of the bounds of the wheels- no matter how blurred the events that happened whilst he sat in it were.

With one last look out of the rain-battered windows, he left the medical wing and meandered around the corridors until he found the place he wanted. He hadn't been interrupted by a soul and for that he was thankful. He only had one person he would like to talk to and that was Eren.

Eren was the one he could talk to because Eren was the only one he trusted.

 

* * *

 

 

Levi knocked curtly on the wooden doors. Eren, within the last day, had refused to stay in the dungeon so as by Levi's request had actually taken over his old quarters. Despite the restraints Erwin showed to the option, Hanji was persuasive- especially when she had one of Heichou's threats looming over her. Levi would not let Eren had nightmares in the dungeon any longer. Levi had little time left and he was going to make sure he showed Eren all the love he had.

'Eren?' He called out when the door didn't open. He must have been asleep so, after peering in, Levi snuck into his old room and saw Eren snoring away on the bed- although, rather cutely.

'Eren, wake up.' Levi cooed into his ear, shaking him awake as gently as he could. Eren, blinking rapidly, opened his eyes and was met by the sight of Levi, smiling.

'Heichou.' Eren slapped a smile onto his face, preparing himself for the lines that were about to come. 'How was your checkup.' He spoke groggily yet his eyes still shone like the stars, glistening in the afternoon light. It was odd that Eren was asleep at all but the exhaustion of wheeling a man who no longer remembered him around had got to him and he had practically passed out when he hit the bed.

'They didn't find anything unusual.' Levi lied, his eyes betraying it all but Eren didn't look, he didn't want to look- he was too scared to look.

'I see...look! I changed the bed sheets, Heichou!' Eren stated proudly, finally making eye contact, finding the light that had once been diminished. Eren's smile changed to a look of disbelief as Levi's hand rested on his head and ruffled his hair. 'Heichou?' He asked, his voice miniature as his body began to shake once again.

'I'm sorry...for making you worry.' Levi smiled gently, to as much an extent as he could muster in the situation at hand. A tear spilled down Eren's cheek, rolling like a wave to the shore. Before seconds had passed, a river was flowing and Eren was finally letting each and every tear out.

'Why- Why am I crying?' He hiccuped, drawing a few away from his cheek with his finger. Eren, without realising, fell to the floor, his legs no longer being able to stand. He had hidden his true emotions for so long, he just wanted to let it all out. He had cried before, he had trembled before but never had he done this. Never had he broken down.

'I-I'm sorry, I'm crying again.' He mumbled, a sob reaching his throat before he had time to send it back. 'I can't stop.' Eren continued, looking up at Levi, the man barely visible through the tears. 'It won't stop.' He spoke irritably, furiously wiping away the tears but he couldn't. His arms had been locked around another. Levi had brought him to his chest, now on his knees too, cooing soothing words into his ear.

'You don't have to apologise, Eren. I'm sorry for causing you pain.' Levi kept a straight face but he knew he was about to break. The rope was beginning to fray and it was only a matter of seconds until it snapped.

'Eren.' Levi breathed, his eyes meeting Eren's.

'Heichou.' Eren smiled, his lips glistening as the tears, that had finished their path, glistened in the light. Levi looked down longingly at them before returning his eyes back to Eren's. They both leaned in at the same time, their lips scathing each other before they entered a chaste kiss.

'Sorry I keep crying.' Eren spoke as they pulled away, the tears drying up and a gentle smile returning to his face. He had locked those feelings back up only if to keep Levi strong. Showing weakness would only lead Levi to pity him- he didn't want that. Eren wanted to be equals with Levi, not corporal and recruit, no matter how impossible it sounded.

Levi just stared at Eren, sad to see the tears drain away. Because the rope had snapped and Levi was breaking. _Tell me what the side effects are, Hanji!_ The memory hit him like a tsunami, crashing him against a wall until the tears spilled. They did. With Eren still in his sights, the tears began to rain down.

'Eh?! What's wrong, Heichou.' Eren talked panicked, rushedly. He had never seen Levi cry- he was the boy that didn't cry. This was impossible or so he thought.

'I'm scared, Eren. I'm really f*cking scared.' He tried to keep his voice together but it only sounded strained, cracking at the end of his sentence as a sob rose in his throat.

'Huh?'

'I'm going to forget again, aren't I? Hanji...she told me...about my illness. What if? What if this day ends and I wake up tomorrow and I'm not myself again.' Levi began to shake rapidly as Eren watched on with curiosity, distraught that he didn't know how to help. 'I'd be hurting you again, wouldn't I? When I think that...it makes me so f*cking scared, Eren.' Levi began to panic, images of scenarios that could happen flashing before him like a video rolling on repeat.

'Levi.' This was a command, not a request. Levi brought his eyes to Eren, his cheeks being pulled forward by the force of Eren's hands. 'To tell you the truth, I'm scared too. I'm scared of waking up and you not recognising me.' A tear rolled down both of their cheeks, dripping off their chins like water from an icicle. 'But, I'm sure,' he continued, 'that it'll be okay. I mean, you remembered me, right? And right now, you're really looking at me. You're not the same as you were back then. So, don't cry anymore, Heichou.' They found each other's eyes once more and the tears began to fade. Levi smiled weakly but it was a smile nonetheless.

'Eren.' He breathed, taking their joined hands and pressing his lips against the back of Eren's hand. 'I love you.' He murmured and through his slight shock at the admission- Levi wasn't one to say it often- Eren returned it.

Smiling, they lay against the bed and let their eyes flutter shut, not knowing what could happen the next day.

 

* * *

 

 

 

'Levi, are you asleep yet?' Eren sighed, fiddling with the black-haired boy's hair. He gained silence in response only exasperating him more. It seemed that he would be the only one awake tonight. His mind was too busy to fall into unconsciousness and the looming fear of tomorrow was causing his stomach to flip nauseatingly.

'I want you to wake up and remember me, is that too much to ask?' He whispered, the darkness swallowing his words. Eren knew his efforts were futile- nothing could change the inevitable and one day or another, Levi would wake up and his brain would once again be a cloud.

It was a nice description for it, really, Eren realised. Cloud. That's what it looked like to him. It was as if Levi were lost in the clouds- away with the fairies as many would say. His eyes were clouded over, his mind was as useless as the fluffs of white in the sky. To most, anyway, what the rest saw was just how important they were. Even in his state, Levi was crucial- he was humanity's strongest and a simple illness could not deter him from that path.

Eren found himself, over the next hour, unable to force his mind from the man who lay next to him. He was all too consuming. Even without the illness pushing them together, spending time before his futile attempts at consciousness failed him, Eren had found himself wrapped up in the topic that was Levi himself. No more and no less.

'You're going to get better, I know you will.' He stated, to himself alone. He wanted to believe it so badly yet as his voice cracked and his body trembled, he knew his hopes were falsely placed. Levi wasn't going to get better. And, maybe, if he was lucky, Eren wouldn't see him deteriorate but he knew death was inevitable. It always had been forced upon on them since they became soldiers. There was no escaping an early death and maybe that could let Levi die with honour...rather than dying from a bloody illness.

He knew Levi hated it, even more so than Eren. Levi held high status and was a proud man. Although he was rather reserved, his pride always shone through. It was what set fear into the other soldiers. It had what sent him from the bottom of the ranks to the top- his strength participating too.

Levi knew he was good at what he did and he held that in high regard. He wasn't egotistical, far from it, but he enjoyed knowing that he was able- even if he didn't have to. Now, with this illness, he had been stripped of that. He would be stripped of his pride, his abilities, his status, his rank. Everything he cherished would be gone.

Except for Eren. Eren would always be there for him, no matter what. Eren was determined, head-strong and a bit of a nutcase when the worst situations occurred but that's what Levi loved about Eren and Eren knew that- he had been told enough times.

Eren slipped out of bed, peering out of the open window, the curtains fluttering in the wind, to see that it was far past midnight. He gave up on the thought of sleep altogether and reminded himself to be glad that Levi had stayed in his slumber despite his common insomnia.

He yawned quietly and cracked his aching bones before trudging out of the door, being careful to shut the door quietly behind him. He wouldn't want to wake Levi now. He then continued to slip through the corridors, going undetected by most and finding Hanji- still awake- peering down an obscurely built microscope.

'Eren!' She shouted, clearly waking up a few neighbours from the exasperated sighs coming from the surrounding walls.

'Hi, Hanji.' He whispered, smiling sadly, trying to feign a happiness that clearly wasn't there. Hanji returned with a sleepy grin; she understood perfectly, she was up because of Levi after all.

'What did you come down for.' Her voice was still cheery, it was more often than not that it was but was a lot quieter than before and it was clear that it was taken gladly by the neighbours.

'I wanted to ask a few questions...about Levi.' Hanji nodded solemnly and motioned for him to sit on the stool and she threw herself gracefully around the desk before leaving her head on her hands, watching him intently. The stare put Eren on edge but he knew this was just Hanji going about her usual routine. Suddenly, her gaze was brought down. She stared at the floor as intently as she had looked at him.

'I'm afraid to say that I've learnt next to nothing.' She sighed, rubbing her temples gently. 'This is all too complex. I need machinery that we don't have. I need advances in medicine. I need to time travel to find anything. We're in a time where I have nothing to help us. We have come some way since being within the walls, fighting disease has become crucial, but that doesn't mean we can't advance more...and we need to. What Levi has can't just be looked at through a microscope or be solved by experimental treatments. I'm at a loss for what to do.' Eren's eyebrows furrowed as he watched Hanji clenching her fists. It was as if she was ready to punch a hole through the desk. Maybe she was.

Eren breathed in. Then, breathed out. Slowly, slower, calmer. He forced himself to calm his racing heart and withhold the tears that were threatening to spill. He had just gained the worst news of his life and he couldn't find it within himself to let his emotions loose.

Levi was incurable.

He was stuck like this forever. Eren was stuck with this forever. Hanji was stuck curing this forever. They were all trapped now. Without a cure, they would simply have to put up with Levi's episodes. No, not put up. They would help. They wouldn't get fed up.

This was Levi...they would never turn their backs on Levi.

Eren sighed and stood up, his legs shaky, as was his body. 'Thank you, Hanji.' He muttered insincerely before rushing out of the room; he had to see Levi. He had to see him before he lost it again. Eren had to ground himself...and Levi was the only way to do so.

 

* * *

 

 

Eren stumbled back to the room, his legs finally slowing from his run as they tired. When he reached their room, he made no attempts to be quiet as he fell onto the bed, his mind reeling. He soon fell asleep, anyway; even his thoughts couldn't keep his exhausted body awake any longer. He didn't dream that night, no nightmares like the nights to come, no dreams like the nights had once been before. It was simply darkness. A swirling black in his eyes that never faded...not until his eyes peeked open the next morning.

The first thing he noticed was the small hand clenched tightly around his own, squeezing it as if it were a lifeline- trapping Eren in a vice. Eren wanted to pull away, to avoid inevitable disappointment when the man he loved opened his eyes. There was more chance that not that he would wake up the same way he fell asleep but there was that slither of chance that he would wake up in the same state that he had been stuck in for days.

Eren knew he couldn't avoid the inevitable but that didn't stop him from wishing it away. It was a burden on his shoulders, one that he would deal with because he knew that if he did not, he would never forgive himself. And, for Levi. That had to be a reason above his selfishness yet, when he thought about it, the more that he found himself not doing this for Levi but for himself- his own self-satisfaction.

No, this was the fear talking, taunting him. It made him believe things that were not true. Things that he had never once believe but that twitch of his fingers and the blurriness of lethargy showed that his mind was no longer functioning as it was supposed to. He had already begun to fidget with his spare hand, dancing his fingers of the paler-boy's skin just as if to remember what it felt like under his touch. It felt so long since they had had this. Just a simple morning where Eren could let himself watch as the other lifted their head and got ready for the day, telling Eren to hurry up and stop gawking. Classic Levi, really.

When Levi's eyes opened, Eren's fingers began to tremble and his stomach began to flip. He was scared, utterly and truly afraid. This was what he felt when he had come face to face with a titan and now, he was feeling just because of one measly man.

No, not measly. This was humanity's strongest soldier, he was the bravest, strongest most courageous man he had ever met yet once again, his fear was blinding him to show a weak skeleton of a man. Just like he had seen when the illness had controlled him. It was as if the man was a cloud to him. Weak yet beautiful. Gentle yet so capable of darkness. A bringer of happiness and a bringer of pain.

'Good morning, Heichou.' He whispered gently, maybe just to see if Levi was awake or not, maybe to hear his answer.

'Uuuuh...' Levi groaned, his eyes fluttering open a second time revealing Eren's worst nightmare. Clouded eyes, confusion. Illness. 'Good morning.' He smiled gently, squeezing Eren's hands to calm the trembling that was reverberating around him.

'Yeah.' Eren's voice cracked. He couldn't believe that slither of chance had become a reality. Or maybe he had just estimated wrong, maybe this was much more serious than they had ever considered. Maybe this wasn't a fifty-fifty illness, half the time healthy and the other half ill enough to be dead. No, this was so much more. Levi could spend the majority of his life in this state, couldn't he? Eren didn't even know how much consciousness Levi had in this state, how was he supposed to know how to help? He wanted to hear Levi scream to be released from the trap of his body but he heard nothing. Levi's spirit had already dwindled and only a shell remained- the Levi that could fight it had dissipated.

A blink. A smile, a light. Levi was back. Was that possible? In one blink Levi had suddenly returned to usual. 'Yeah.' Eren repeated, much stronger than last time. His hope had been relighted. Eren didn't know he was crying until his tears began to drench his shirt. Had he really begun crying of relief?

'What's wrong?' The man asked, his voice so calm- uncaring. Maybe Levi was just tired, that was it, right?

'Nothing.' Eren shook his head, turning away from the raven-haired man and tried to blink away his tears, to no avail.

'I'll go make some tea.' Levi spoke gently. That was so unlike him. He never offered tea to Eren. Eren hated tea. Eren flung himself around and found himself catching Levi's gaze again.

'What's up?' Eren asked timidly as he saw the _other_ Levi smiling, almost manically. It was as if he was so excited for something to come. Eren had never seen the expression on Levi before and the twisting of his features looked frightening...fake. Just like this Levi was a fake remake of the last.

The same looks with the emotions so scattered that it couldn't even be called him anymore. It was a replica of a human, a robot with a human's skin- so detectably wrong by all around it.

And then he realised, and he couldn't believe he hadn't realised it before, that light he had seen- he had made it up. His own delusional thinking had led him to believe that the best was possible. But that light had already been snuffed out. It wasn't going to be brought back for hours maybe even days.

'I'm just happy.' He murmured, smiling, looking at the horizon as if it were more interesting than the man beside him. Maybe it was, to him. No one could know what was going through Levi's moment at times like these.

'Eh?' Eren was confused. How could someone so delusioned be looking forward to the future? Unless, of course, they had lost sense of time alltogether. _Oh._ Eren knew what was happening before it had even happened. He knew the words that he feared were going to be said. He knew he would hear the words he had heard so many times before.

'Oh, sorry. I didn't tell you, huh?' A pause, a dreaded pause. 'You see, I have this subordinate named Eren.'

 

 


End file.
